The Balance Beam

Don't Look Back Now, It's a New Year

2012-01-14T10:49:00.018-05:00

January 1st found me and my dear hubby (aka "Big D") thoroughly disgusted with ourselves. The reverie of the holidays, as enjoyable as they were, left our bodies bloated and sluggish. It was time to take off our feedbags and amp up the exercise. Happy flippin' New Year.

January 2nd, Big D and I took on P90 Circuit with a vengeance.

January 3rd, Big D worked late and I did P90 Sculpt alone.

January 4th, I asked Big D if he wanted to work out but he was too exhausted. I caved and decided "comfy, cozy" was a good option for me too.

By the end of the first week, I had only worked out a couple of times and Big D. not at all since that first day. Yet, we weren't eating cannoli for breakfast or making declarations like, "Well, it's 5 o'clock somewhere!"

Lulled into a false sense of security, we were on the fast track to complacency.

Fifty percent of people who join gyms in January quit within six months. I would love to know how many of those people really only go for the first month, then take two more months to admit to themselves they aren't going back, and then another three to actually go into the club, face their shame, and cancel their membership. It's no mystery why almost no club will allow you to cancel over the phone.

Here's the realization that kicked me back into gear: motivation based on shame isn't sustainable.

If you were ever in a position where it was always about catching up on what you didn't get done (or did wrong) yesterday, or last quarter or last year, then you know what I am talking about.

Similarly, trying to just "undo" the gluttony of the holidays isn't enough to keep the fire lit under our jiggly butts.

Sustainable motivation is based on outcomes.

Note I didn't say "goals." Goals are about setting targets. Outcomes are about reaching them.

Focusing on the abundant feelings of energy, accomplishment and fabulosity I know I will have after I get back into my healthy, fit groove -- THAT is what gets my arse out of my comfy cozy.

If you find yourself wavering on your own New Year's resolutions, think about what's motivating you. If it's "so last year," adjust accordingly. Focus on what you want to be, do, or have in the future, not what haunts you from the past. Focus on outcomes.

Here's wishing you a happy, healthy, prosperous 2012!

Now on Twitter @BeamingBalance

Do You Wanna Get Away?

2012-01-01T06:00:00.000-05:00

It turns out that the oxygen mask connection I made in an earlier post is pretty widely known. It also turns out that I am not the only one to think I came up with the idea all on my own. Sorry to burst that bubble for you guys.

Since I’m always trying to add value, I feel an almost competitive obligation to find a new life balance takeaway from the flight attendant opening speech. I realize this is limited territory -- unless of course you haven’t been in a car since 1958 and don’t know how to use a seatbelt.

So here it is:
Know your exits and have multiple options.

With so many external pressures and responsibilities, it’s only natural that we’ll have moments when we seriously question if we CAN do it all. The cup is not just full, but pouring over the edges and we’re not sure how to stop the overflow.

As comedian Steven Wright says... that feeling you get when you lean back on your chair and you catch yourself just before you fall.

We've all had those moments when the advice of “just meditate” may not cut it. You also know that going to the spa or even taking a walk is SO not happening anytime soon.

Other options for "escape" which may not be reasonable include getting in the car and just driving until you run out of gas and/or locking yourself in the bathroom with a full bottle of Kendall Jackson and not coming out until it’s gone.

“Exiting” by definition requires starting from the inside and going out. We’re talking about times when physically leaving the situation is just not possible. Rather, we need to depart the internal frustration, negativity, stress, depression or “I’m gonna lose it” feeling.

Everyone has different strategies which work for them. And different things are effective in different situations. The important thing is that you know where your exits are before you actually need to use them. Notice you get the exit speech and double pointing fingers when the plane is still on solid ground.

My assignment to you is to consciously think of five ways you can almost instantly change your view of the world, even when you can’t change your world.

Here are my “exits”:

1. Thinking of my happiest, funniest, goofiest memories. Sometimes the closest exit is behind us.

2. Asking, is this life or death? It may sound morbid, but sometimes this requires thinking of an actual “life or death” moment to create instant perspective. (Like my experience in Cannes.)

3. Asking for help. If you can't get out by yourself, call for assistance. Because I was sort of forced to be so self-sufficient as a kid, it took me many years to realise that asking for help is a sign of strength, not a sign of weakness. Even when I can't get someone to physically help me, just being able to vent and get support over the phone (usually while multi-tasking) saves me.

4. Counting to 10. Call me old fashioned but it works. I think of it as a 10-second meditation.

5. Naming that tune. Yes, I actually sing. For some reason, “You & Me Against the World” by Helen Reddy always does the trick. Weird choice, I know. But I’ve been singing that song to feel better since it came out in 1974. For fire emergencies, I prefer "Disco Inferno."

As a side note, singing also comes in handy when trying to grocery shop with two or more kids. Before entering the store, I threaten to launch into my loud personal rendition of “Yankee Doodle Dandy” at the first sign of any whining, fighting or begging. I’ve received many compliments over the excellent behavior of my children in public.

Know your exits. When needed, get to the best exit as quickly as possible leaving all emotional baggage behind.

Best,

Stalking the Change

2011-12-23T11:12:00.005-05:00

Lately, it seems like everyone I know is contemplating some big change: Another job. A "get healthy" plan. Remodeled kitchen. New car. New baby.

Maybe it's the time of year. We instinctively feel the toll of those midnight chimes approaching. The winds of change beckon us with the thought of hanging that shiny new 2012 calendar.

And yet, everyone has something holding them back just beyond the walls of actual action. They are doing a lot of thinking and worrying, but not much more. They feel distracted and overwhelmed.

The advice I give to my sisters, my friends, my co-workers (and to you) is what my dad used to always say to me in similar situations:

Hey dad, I want a new car. I'm thinking of switching schools. Maybe I'll grow a tail and dye my hair blue.

He'd always say, "Well, gathering information is free.   Get educated and then come talk me."

Gathering information is free. And, freeing.

It is always empowering to explore what it would take to make the change, map the steps, talk to other people who have done it (or who decided not to) and get educated.

Stalking the change sheds light on those shadows of doubt, fear and insecurity.

Got all the information and still not sure what to do?

Another question to ask yourself is about permanence. "If you do this thing, can you undo it later if you find out it was the wrong decision?"

Children and tattoos are permanent.   Jobs, hairstyles and gym memberships can always be changed again.

Make your decision with information and perspective. And just do it. Or don't. It's your choice - but do choose one way or another.

Carpe diem!

PS: I'm on Twitter now! @BeamingBalance

Perspective

2011-12-06T11:01:00.004-05:00

I just heard a great story in a meeting that would otherwise have been an hour of my life I'd never get back. Let me know if it resonates with you as it did with me:

Two sales reps get sent to a remote village to see if there is an opportunity to sell shoes.

Shortly after arrival, the first salesperson calls headquarters and says, “Stop shipment! Not a single villager wears shoes so there’s zero opportunity. We will never sell shoes here.”

Two minutes later, the second sales rep calls headquarters and says, “Send me everything you’ve got! None of these villagers have shoes so there is an incredible opportunity to sell shoes here!”

Two different people with two different views on the same situation. One sees scarcity and hopelessness where the other sees opportunity and abundance.

Perspective makes all the difference.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2011-11-24T11:38:00.002-05:00

My father used to always say, "People in love think they are invisible."

I've seen enough couples making out in the airport to know this is true. When I see these people all super- powered with mutual infatuation, I feel torn. Part of me wants to tell them, "GET A ROOM ALREADY!"
Okay, well sometimes I do say that. I have no filter. It's a gift.

The point is, I waver between feeling sincere happiness that there is still such love in the world and jealousy that sits just below the surface of judgment.

Schmoopie and Luv Muffin couldn't care less what I think. They are happy.

My wish for you this Thanksgiving Day is that you love and appreciate life with pure joy. Surround yourself with a protective, happy glow. Be your complete, authentic self without censorship for the sake of others' (or your own) judgment.

Be happy.

PS: This goes double to the pooping rainbow guy.

"I'm Not Here to Make Friends"

2011-11-20T19:00:00.000-05:00

It seems that every time I mention “Reality TV", I get an overwhelmingly negative response. Humans from a wide range of religious, political and socioeconomic backgrounds seem universally united in their hatred of this genre of television.

However, it’s simply not possible that my viewership is singularly responsible for the sustainability of shows like Top Chef, Project Runway, Survivor and American Idol.

I'm convinced that some of you out there are closet reality fans.   You know too much to deny it. Oh, I can hear it now:
     “I just saw that one episode.”
     “I've only seen it because my partner watches.”
     “I just watch it for the girls in bikinis.”

Even folks who (quote, unquote) “hate” reality TV must be familiar with the recurrent phrase, “I’m not here to make friends.”

Sadly, there is now a long tradition of this ridiculous sentiment. When I hear it, my reaction can only be a heartfelt, "Oh no they di'n't!"

Saying the "friends" line is the kiss of death. A one way ticket for the aufiderzein bus. Pack your tools and your knives. Sing your last song and dance your last dance. Burn your buff (and your ego), and go. Buh. Bye.

If you're "not here to make friends," you're not likely to win.

This is true in life as well, both personally and professionally.

I've often written about my three steps towards reaching your life balance goals:

1. Internal:

thoughts, feelings, words

2. External:

actions in line with goals

3. Support:

help, accountability, encouragement

The essence of step three is that you'll be much more successful by having other people in your corner.

There are a lot of reasons why any ~~reality show contestant~~ normal person might not want to be part of a team or rely on others for help.

Personally, I had a childhood that required a great amount of independence. Growing up, I became unwilling and/or unable to let others close enough to help, even when it was there for the taking.

(Fellow control freaks everywhere are nodding in empathy.)

That said, it's something I have worked hard to overcome. At this point in my life, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am always better for having the help and support of others. I try to say "thank you" early and often each day for the many wonderful people in my life. Friends.

In return for being so blessed, I make it a point to extend as much positive energy as possible. Yeah, I know sometimes it makes me look like the crazy lady who smiles and says "hi" to everyone as she walks down the street or the airplane aisle. Sometimes the toll booth guy thinks I'm flirting with him. The folks at my kids' school are just waiting for me to stop the "life is great" act and pull a nutty. Well, that could happen; especially if Dunkin' Donuts continues to get my coffee wrong at least once a week.

I do have my moments.

The life balance lesson being beamed to you today is quite simply, be nice.

Be here to make friends.

Is (Insert Stressor) a Matter of Life & Death?

2011-11-15T15:40:00.003-05:00

Talking to some friends last night, I was reminded of a lesson I learned during my "carnival" days (as fellow blogger Bruce refers to the trade show biz). Back then, I was a workaholic ball of stress most of the time. I would have laughed at anyone who even suggested the idea of life balance.  Bah!

One day I was at a team meeting to discuss a new pricing model.  I was not happy with most of the decisions being made.  Frustrated and fatigued, I kinda freaked out. Angst and argument emanated from me like the world might actually end if this (clearly faulty) pricing model passed into reality.

Later on, my boss AD met with me in the hallway. In a Tim Gunn tone he said, "Charlene, I'm worried about you."

I vented. He listened then continued, "What we're doing here... it's not life and death you know."

He was right of course. I heard the words and agreed.  On an intellectual level anyway; enough to temporarily get my knickers out of a twist.

A few weeks later, a fellow carny friend and I were taking a break, strolling the back streets of Cannes, France.  Our path became blocked by a crowd of people in an unlikely spot. I stepped around a tall, thin lady holding a rat-sized dog.

Nestled between road and curb was a body; neck and limbs twisted in unnatural positions.  His mangled scooter was several yards back near an only slightly dented car.

When the SAMU ambulance arrived, AD's words rang in my mind even more loudly than the sirens,  "Life and death. Life and death. Life and death." Over and over. Life and death.

I stared at the wedding ring on the man's bloody left hand and pictured his wife receiving the news of his tenuous state.   Did he have kids? I wondered painfully.

Of course I've experienced death and the pain of loss before. However, up until this moment I'd never actually seen the black scythe swing down right in front of me.

My friend tugged at my arm for us to move on as tears for a man I didn't know rolled down my cheeks.

We walked in silence back to the other carny folk waiting for us at the Palais des Festivals. The words life and death continued to drill into my core.

To this day I wonder on which side of the deal the "man in Cannes" ended up. It didn't look promising. Still, I try to imagine a happy ending to the story as if I could somehow will it to be so, even after the fact.

Now, anytime I find myself freaking out about something at work or the bills or the laundry (or whatever), the words which rang in that awful memory act as an instant reality check.

Is it a matter of life and death?

Enjoy each moment...

Leading with Confidence

2011-11-05T16:59:00.000-04:00

"A good leader inspires people to have confidence in the leader; a great leader inspires people to have confidence in themselves."
- Eleanor Roosevelt

This is one of those memorable quotes that profoundly resonates with me in both personal and professional ways.

The business application might be more obvious.

I've had the great pleasure of working for a few people whom I admired and respected for their own success, wisdom and experience.

The one who stands out in a most positive and singular way is the one who convinced me that it was reciprocal.    Even more, I left every conversation with this leader having more confidence in myself and a more invigorated sense of my own capabilities. I'd be charged up. Ready to take on any challenge. Ready to make our business and him more successful as well. Smart guy. Also, a good friend to this day.

Compare that to other leaders who also commanded respect in their own right. And yet, there was always that question mark in my mind about how much they valued me and my contribution to the business.   In large part, I met my goals only because I found ways to light my own spark.  It wasn't always easy.

When you think of which business will be more successful, will it be the one where people are mustering up their own sense of worth and creating individualized motivation? Or will it be the one that is charged with reciprocal inspiration and an energized rally cry of mutual confidence?

Just askin'.

I've been pondering this idea that we can be great leaders in our personal lives too.

For example, parents have a unique opportunity to inspire energy and confidence in their children. I used to think my job was to protect my kids at all times. Demand respect and be worthy of it. Make their lives easy enough with a bond strong enough that we could conquer anything, even puberty!

When my father passed away last year, I realised that one of the greatest gifts he left was my belief in myself. I'm sure there are things he would have spared me, but I also remember times when he very intentionally stepped back and let me figure things out on my own.   Through his intentions, words and deeds he made me admire and respect him while also inspiring that same confidence within me. He was a great father.

Sometimes this dynamic is difficult to create with the people in our lives for one simple reason: judgment.

Especially with siblings and friends, sometimes it's hard for us to be as supportive and encouraging as we can (or should) be because we are trying to measure up to something ourselves.  Protective walls are made higher by implicit expectations or fear of not being "as good."

In some cases, we just assume they know how much we value them. It simply doesn't occur to us to try to inspire them.

The same way perhaps your boss assumes you know, or doesn't realise that a little proactive feedback would help you, and the business, in dramatic ways.

The lesson, I think, is not only to be someone worthy of admiration but to openly admire others.  Let them know.  Put forth words and actions that breed confidence.

With this intent, I recently added these words to my vision board:
Inspire and motivate others. Feel inspired and motivated.

Love you all!

10 Tips for Surviving a High School Reunion

2011-10-30T08:00:00.000-04:00

This month I am participating in a November Writing Challenge with the goal of completing the rough first draft of my non-fiction book as well as the formal book proposal.

One of two things may happen during this project:

1) I will become so inspired by the writing process that I won't be able to resist sharing new insights here on a regular basis.

2) I will become immersed in (and/or overwhelmed by) the process, you won't see anything new from me until December 1.

Since I've noticed quite a dramatic jump in Search hits leading to this one past post, I thought I'd lean on an "encore presentation" for this weekend's sharing. Leading the jury, I know.

Please to enjoy!

A couple of years ago, I attended my husband’s 25th high school reunion.

It only made me love him more.

Not because I gained some great insight into dear hubby’s youth or saw him in a new light, illuminated by all the cute reminiscing during the event.

Rather, it made me feel overwhelming gratitude for how he had previously attended my last high school reunion and kept a smile on his face the entire night.

How he never let on how not-fun these things really are for the "and guest." How he gave me room to reconnect with whats-her-name and chat about that hilarious thing that happened in 7th grade math with Mr. Brown Pants. And then, how he went along without complaint to that restaurant where the Ground Round used to be next to what once was a Howard Johnson’s by the old Route 3.

Anyway, in attending his reunion I *think* I returned the favor, although perhaps I’m blowing it by writing this. But, since hubby insists he doesn’t read my blog, I’ll take my chances in the hopes I might help one of you someday.

I’m a “givah.”

This list includes advice which got me through the night as well as a few things I wish I had thought of earlier.

My 10 Tips:

1. As you enter the venue and your romantic partner is caught up in the initial crowd of air kisses and “Heeeeyyyyy stranger!!” discreetly check in with reception to find out where the most comfortable powder room and/or sports bar is located. Call ahead if necessary.

2. Throughout the evening, use the information gained in #1 to take frequent breaks. Your partner won’t mind. S/he may even be grateful.

3. Be proactive and introduce yourself to the other attendees. This creates a natural invitation for others to introduce themselves back vs. your partner having to remember who the heck they are. The further back the graduation, the more important this becomes.

4. Your partner won’t be able to resist making references about “how hot” someone once was back in high school. Don’t bother being jealous or taking offense. If anything, look around and take comfort.

5. Wear comfortable shoes. This is something I didn’t think of in advance. People at reunions don’t sit. You stand and mingle. Until your feet are bloody stumps. In your “fabulous” Alfani pumps.

6. Based on my observations, I suggest you stay away from any appetizer buffet which includes little cubes of cheese and other “finger foods.” Same with the bread basket unless you like a little H1N1 with your crudités.

7. Reunion DJ’s love to play the old songs, a shocking number of which involve JUMPing. Special advice for the ladies -- wear a supportive bra. Please. I beg of you. At our age, this activity could be a safety hazard. I’m pretty sure I saw some poor woman give herself a concussion.

8. Come up with a mantra which you can quietly say in your head over and over. Use this to make the time pass whilst your partner is having repeat conversations with everyone they haven't seen in 25 years. I recommend something simple which allows you to mindlessly smile, nod and throw in an occasional chuckle. This one seemed to work pretty well for me: “Shoot me. Shoot me now.”

9. This next piece advice may be exceedingly difficult for some of you but stay sober. Despite the fact that a Ketel One dirty martini (or five) would make the night so much more tolerable, it’s your partner’s night to party like it’s 1999… or ’89… or ’84 as the case may be. Someone needs to be the designated driver. And keep their shirt on. And refrain from saying things like, “I love you man!”

10. There is bound to be at least one guy or girl who is already drunk at the beginning of the evening. WARNING! Do not engage. Do not make eye contact. If they approach, quickly excuse yourself to a location in #1. Trust me. It’s only going to get worse as the night goes on. You do not want Mr. Slurry Drool or Miss Barfsalot thinking it’s okay to hang on you because you’re “so friendly.”

Don’t get me wrong – it wasn’t all bad. I did get to meet a couple of very nice people. I got to tell a few of my old jokes to a new audience, some of whom were drunk enough to find me hysterically funny.

In addition, I definitely had the best date. It was fun just being there with him and watching his enjoyment. Towards the end of the night, we even danced, sang, shouted and shook our bodies down to the ground. (No injuries.)

Cheers!

This Too Shall Pass...

2011-10-20T13:33:00.000-04:00

It was 38°F yesterday morning. I think I pulled a muscle from the fifteen minutes of convulsive shivering while my car heater percolated to a respectable temperature.

Mom Nat wins by a nose. After work, I broke down (just me, not my car) and extracted my wool coat from the hall closet.

Not the thickly lined black dress coat. That one is much heavier than is currently required. Mainly I use it for holiday parties; when I'm wearing an outfit which might be wholly unsuitable for New England weather but perfect for an evening of ballroom dancing, house wine and mystery chicken.

I've had my dress coat for about seven years but it's classic enough that I can still get away with wearing it. I especially love the great big velvety hood which makes me look like a storybook character when I drape it over my comparatively small head.

Instead, I compromised last night by pulling out my long Jones New York coat from three seasons ago. That's style seasons, which still basically means about three years plus or minus a runway show. Tailored, just past the knee with small black, brown and cream houndstooth-ish checks. Neat lapel with black edging. Three buttons.

It used to have four buttons. Last fall, I had my coat hanging behind my office door when my boss accidentally swung the door closed at the exact angle and velocity for the coat to pendulate into the closing hinged crevice, crushing poor button #4 into tiny bits.

Now that I must admit defeat to the morning chill, this coat is my best bet. Actually, aside from the dress coat and my über warm, waterproof, faux-Spyder ski jacket, I'm not even sure what else I have in the ol' coat closet. But that's okay. I love my Jones.

Mind you, I have a dear friend who has a major coat addiction. This is someone who has more coats than pants, by a long shot. I'm sure she's reading this now and physically cringing at the idea that I have so few cold winter options. Then again, we are the same size. This could expand my options considerably. Hmmm.... I wonder if she locks her coat closet. *evil grin*

Anyway, so I pulled out the Jones NY coat and gave it the once over to see how dire the need for dry-cleaning might be. Some years ago I was almost certain to have, at minimum, someone's dietary contents dribbled down the left shoulder. Luckily I and both my kids have outgrown that stage. Looks pretty clean actually. Smells okay. Nothing a quick spin in the dryer on low heat with a Bounce softener sheet won't fix. I checked the pockets.

My hand touched something smooth and roundish. About the size of an acorn. Even before I pulled it out, I could see the sapphire blue in my mind.

It's my "this too shall pass" rock.

Twenty years ago at Emerson College, I heard a story in my Eastern Religions class. It was about an old man who received a stone which had great magical powers. A stone which made a happy person feel sad and a sad person, happy. Etched on the stone were the words, "This too shall pass."

The instructor related the story to the concept of karma. Whereas people think of "good karma" and "bad karma," we discussed the ideal to be neutral. To be in such a balanced place that you know both good and bad are fleeting. This too shall pass.

So, I'd taken to the habit of always carrying this one smooth stone in my pocket or purse. In my happiest moments, I rubbed it and reminded myself that I needed to appreciate my joy to the fullest extent possible. When I was feeling depressed or anxious, I rubbed the stone to remind myself not to get too bogged down in the negative. That, this too shall pass.

Just recently I discovered that the old man was actually King Solomon and it was a ring, not a rock. In any case, I had lost mine with great regret. Finding it or getting a new one has been on my "things I've been meaning to do" list for a while now.

Yet, here it found me.

Money Matters at Any Age

2011-10-09T10:29:00.013-04:00

In the same way that Tim Gunn of Project Runway is best represented by his catchphrase, “Make it work!" I fantasize about my own made-for-reality-TV vignette where I am seen repeating my signature parenting phrases in multiple scenes.   (Hey, we all need dreams. Don't judge me.)

One such broken record track I’ve mentioned already is, “Good luck with that.”

The other one is, “How much money did you bring?”

If you read no further, just remember that last phrase. The next time a child in your care asks to buy something in a store, you can reply with enthusiastic love, “Sure! How much money did you bring?”

The way it works around here is that my kids get weekly allowance equaling one dollar per each grade. (A lot of experts say to give a dollar per year of age but personally I think that's too much.)

The entire purpose of allowance in my house is to teach kids fiscal responsibility. They don’t get paid to do chores. Helping out around the house just goes with the whole “family” gig. Non-negotiable. Otherwise, most kids are smart and potentially lazy enough that they will eventually attempt to forgo the cash in favor of shirking their responsibilities.

Someday I may let them negotiate not doing chores in favor of paying me (i.e. rent). For now, we’re just a loving family all living under the same roof, each doin’ what’s gotta be done. Shared responsibility, respect and gratitude.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not above bribery. A well placed extra buck here and there can do wonders; even more so when they know that pretty much any “extras” they want will come out of their own pocket.

Examples of past “extras” include:
       - Many “as seen-on-TV “ toys and games
       - Yet one more stuffed animal (shoot me)
       - iPod apps
       - Candy at the grocery check-out
       - Pokemon cards at the grocery check-out
       - Disgusting green goo in a nose-shaped package at the
         grocery check-out

If nothing else, we have had some very interesting discussions about the tricks of marketing and merchandising.

They’ve also learned a lot about saving, delayed gratification and taking better care of one’s investments. (I know a sad tale of a girl who didn’t put the caps back on her "Blendy Pens," thus throwing three full week’s allowance in the trash.)

What’s also great is the positive pressure on Big D and me to set a good example. Goodness knows we have made some financial doozies over the years. By teaching our kids, we are more focused now as well.

Here’s a quick budgeting game you can do with the kids or without:

Write out on a big piece of paper (or use a spreadsheet if playing the grown up version):

* Ways money comes in:

* Ways money goes out:

Have fun listing (or drawing pictures of) all the things that bring and cost money on a regular basis. Jobs, lights, phone, food, school, clothes, fun, gifts, cars/gas, etc.

See clearly that the money only comes in from one or two places and usually doesn’t change each month.

Meanwhile, certain things on the going out list are also what we call “fixed.” (You can put a cute symbol on those to illustrate.)

When we want to buy or do more, other expenses can vary by making choices. If something new comes up to do or buy, then something on that "variable" list has to budge in order for that new thing to get on the list.

Make sense?

Our next foray into household financial responsibility is couponing. Miss M. is conjuring up a shared-savings scheme where she controls the coupon clipping for the family. Yikes - I may be teaching her too well. Stay tuned!

Happy budgeting!

More on Confidence/Capacity (Meeting Keith Ferrazzi)

2011-09-25T15:53:00.008-04:00

In June 2009, thanks to a kind invitation by a friend at the University of Phoenix, I attended a lovely reception in the heart of the French Quarter, New Orleans. The guest of honor was Keith Ferrazzi, best-selling author and networking guru.

If I were writing this in "flash forward" form where the story starts with something that actually happens at the end, I’d have to borrow a certain Saturday Night Live skit.

Maybe you’ve seen it: A nervous, hyper, sweaty Chris Farley (R.I.P.) is interviewing Paul McCartney. Farley approaches the star McCartney with such brilliance as, “Remember when you were, like, with the Beatles? That was so awesome. Yeah!”

Throughout the encounter he hits himself in the head ala I could have had a V8, grips his hair in anguish and mourns, “UGH! That was SO stupid! What was I thinking? Stupid stupid, stupid!”

So there’s some foreshadowing for you. But let me start from the beginning…

When I was first invited to the reception a few weeks prior, I’ll admit that I had never heard of Keith Ferrazzi. Not too long after the invite though, I saw his name at the top of a “best-selling nonfiction” list. Either I have been living under a rock or have been so caught up in my professional infatuation with Stever Robbins, that I’ve been blind to all others. (Remember when Stever Robbins, like, commented on my blog? That was so awesome. Yeah!)

Always one to do my homework, I started researching Keith online. Maybe it's just the way the Google hits came up, but my first impression was that he was both brilliant and decidedly accident prone. In addition to photos, news briefs and Keith’s own sites (plural), I also found a semi-awkward interview with Larry King and a bunch of YouTube videos. Not sure what to think, I went out and picked up his first book, “Never Eat Alone.”

Early in the read, Keith told a story about his father doing something special for him that I had just similarly done for my daughter (aka "Miss M"). I know there’s no crying in business books, but this got to me in a way that I had not expected. I kept reading.

“Never Eat Alone” somewhat confirmed things I already knew about the importance of relationships. It also offered several smart new perspectives that I was eager to put into practice. Maybe one or two things I wasn't 100% sure about, but I remained open based on the fact that Keith Ferrazzi is well, Keith Ferrazzi. And I’m not. (To reference another famous SNL line.)

Press forward to the New Orleans UoP reception with Keith as the star attendee promoting his new book, “Who’s Got Your Back," (which admittedly, I had not yet read at that point.) The party was in a lovely venue, obviously well-organized and perfectly hosted. I began the night feeling charged and confident. Increased confidence brings increased capacity after all. (Thank you again AC, my greatest mentor.) In return, more than one person I met impressed me with their genuine friendliness, intelligence and openness about their lives. I had some great conversations upon which I reflect with gratitude

In my mind, I was following Keith’s advice. I devoted my time and attention to other “common folk” like myself vs. spending the night hovering around him; the star.

Finally my friend from UoP whom I know “has my back,” encouraged me to go talk to the guru. By “encouraged,” I mean he physically pushed me into the room. That’s when I realized that my quick study and clever business prowess was actually pure, unadulterated cowardice. I was chicken.

I hadn’t been chicken about talking to a senior executive at a potential million dollar client five minutes prior. I wasn't even a bit nervous exchanging deep life passions with virtual strangers (per an “assignment” given by Keith earlier in the party.)

Why was I breaking into a sweat now?

The thing is this: For some reason I was confident in just being myself in the prior conversations. However, I allowed the idea of attempting to "network" with the actual expert on networking intimidate me and make me feel like just being myself wasn't enough.

But by placing Keith up on “STAR” level and myself down on “NOT WORTHY” level I had unknowingly but instantly put the converse of my favorite mantra into action against me:

Decreased Confidence = Decreased Capacity.

Nonetheless, I somehow managed to sit down next to Keith. I told him about the part of his first book to which I had connected so emotionally. My nervous babbling didn’t do it justice. Even still, perhaps I should have quit while I was "ahead."

After that, it’s a little bit of a blur. As I remember each detail of the brief encounter, it's hard for me not to think about the things I said... and didn't say... without a slight internal cringe. I can only pray that being the end of a long day in the middle of a 17 city book tour, Keith didn’t have the energy to notice he was actually talking to Chris Farley. Or rather Chris Farley was talking at him. Ugh. I should have had a V8.
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It’s a good thing for my self-esteem that I'm such a huge fan of the "learning experience." Suffice it to say that this interaction was one big learning moment... or several actually. So many that I'm making myself want to throw up thinking about it. I didn't even get his business card. Oh, [insert sarcasm] I gave him my card. Cuz you know, it was all about me. (Ouch.)
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Another “assignment" he gave the crowd was for us to ask others how we can help them. Unfortunately I didn't get enough past "me, me, me, my opinion, blah, blah, me, me, me" to ask Keith how I could help him.
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My mortification quickly dawning on me like a developing Polaroid picture, I made a quick exit from the party. I got to my hotel room around 10pm and immediately sent "thank you" emails to my party host and everyone I had interacted with during the evening. Great angst ensued as I realised that not only did I neglect to get Keith's email address, the only message that would accurately reflect the situation would be something like this:
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Dear Keith,.
Thank you so very much for letting me talk at you while you ate your Bananas Foster. If you would ever like me to talk at you over a cup of coffee, please let me know.

Best,
Miss M's Mom
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You have to read “Never Eat Alone” to fully appreciate the irony in the cup of coffee reference.

Despite the long list of "do overs" I imagine in my head, the final "ah ha" is really pretty simple. All I needed to do was be myself. My authentic, confident self. My natural self with the life passion to help people, with or without the "assignment" to do so. In being myself, I would have avoided being Chris Farley.

In retrospect, it also would have served me well to pay closer attention to Keith’s interview with Larry King.

So here’s your takeaway for this week’s Balance Beam blog post, sponsored by one of my most embarrassing moments:

BE YOURSELF.

No matter who you’re talking to (or even who you’re talking to thinks s/he is), YOU have a unique presence. Own it. Believe in it.
Be confident in your authentic self.

To quote SNL's Stuart Smalley, "You’re good enough. You’re smart enough. And doggone it...people like you!"
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Rock on,
Charlene

Walk, Then Run: 10 Unique Tips to Get You Moving

2011-09-09T21:18:00.028-04:00

I've been running.

For those who have read my P90X posts, this proclamation may not seem like a big deal. My real friends know that despite what is probably a better-than-average fitness level, I simply don't run. Not even with someone chasing me and the promise of a cocktail at the end.

That was then. This is now.  But how did it happen?

Some time had passed since my P90X (and Jillian and Leandro) days. Competing life priorities were taking up more time and energy than ever.

Here's the thing about the "no time for exercise" excuse:  It's not technically that we don't have the time. For most of us, it's that we have so many demands on us that though we have the time, we're exhausted.

It's easy to get into a mindset where we see exercise as something that will make us more tired. Of course, the opposite is actually true. It's just hard to see it that way when you've driven a two hour commute after a 10 hour work day, and there are dishes, clothes, floors and kids who all need cleaning.

So what we're really saying when we say "I don't have time to exercise" is "I really just don't feel like it." (Wah.)

In my case, I had lost my motivation to "just push play" on a DVD and have yet someone else demand a piece of me.

I am still physically capable of waking up at 5:30am. I just need a break from someone barking commands at that godforsaken hour.

Knowing that I needed to get my arse back in gear, I began a program called Couch to 5K that my sister really loves. You know how I like "programs" so I downloaded the iPad app and gave it a try.

Yeah, not so much.

Perhaps it was the over-complication of an exercise that is simple by nature.   I just couldn't do it.

A friend of mine (also SO not a runner) was having some great results with basic running. I decided to give it a try.   The first day I left my house, got into a good sprint and made it all the way.... to the mailbox two houses down from mine.  I had to stop and catch my breath.   I know it's weird that my cardiovascular endurance can take such a major step backwards in such a short time, but it is what it is. I blame my mother for smoking two packs of Salem Menthols per day the whole time I was in utero.

Lesson learned. Walk, then run.   When I first started a few months ago, it took me about 22 minutes to go one mile. Yesterday, I did five miles in one hour.   (I realize that's still not stellar, but good for me!.)

Here are 10 tips, most of which I'm pretty sure nobody else will tell you:

1. If you're going to walk/run first thing in the morning, either sleep in your running clothes or have them easily accessible and ready to go. Place your sneakers directly next to the bed so that you will trip over them on the way to the bathroom unless you put them on your feet first. Night walkers, tie your shoelaces around the remote control.

2. If necessarily, annoy yourself. The hardest part of walking or running isn't mile two, three or four. It's the first few steps. It's the getting going, especially if you are trying to move at a time when your body is usually sedentary. If you find yourself focusing on how comfy you are in that bed or couch pester yourself with, "Just a few steps. You can do it. Get up. Do it." Use it as a mantra until your body is in motion. Don't take "I don't wanna" for an answer. Remind yourself that successful people do the things that other people don't want to do. Get. Up.

3. Don't procrastinate.   The very moment you get the thought about getting on that treadmill or walking outside, GO.   Do not wash those dishes. Do not answer those emails. Do not make coffee.    This is a tough one for me on Fridays when I work at home. I always think I'll have "plenty of time" to fit in a workout but then get swept away in calls and deadlines. You can have the best of intentions but before you know it, it's 8pm and you're still wearing your sweats (with no sweat having actually been produced). Sadly, there's no glory is "almost" doing something.

4. Wear a pedometer. If you don't want to spend any money, ask someone who frequents tradeshows and they probably have a drawer full of them with your choice of corporate logos.

5. Record your mileage and time, do the calculation and track your progress. You can write it on your calendar, post it to your Facebook status or join a fancy website like dailymile.   Tracking and measurement are critical to success in achieving almost any objective.

6. Be goal-oriented.  I focus on increasing miles per hour and per week.   If your focus is calorie burn, then burn baby, burn. Or, focus on time. The key thing is to set the goal, know how you are doing against that goal and push yourself to improve, even if in small increments.

7. "It's not you, it's them." Just know that as this strange force sucks you into moving more, you won't be able to keep yourself from talking about it. People will make snarky comments. They are jealous. Ignore them.

8. If you walk or run outside, don't over hydrate. This may seem like bad advice but trust me when I tell you that it is no fun to realize half way through the journey that you are also the furthest possible distance from your own bathroom.

9. If you have an iPod or similar device, music selection is key.  I've greatly enjoyed an eclectic mix of songs but the stuff from my teen years is what usually gets me running. (The same music that would embarrass my kids if they saw me dancing or singing to it.) My husband's "Classic Rock Gold" collection has also been surprisingly motivating. Go old school.

10. Be consistent.  Make a promise to yourself and stick to some kind of regular schedule.   Depending on where you are mentally and physically right now, this may be hard to believe but soon you will be upset to miss a workout.

On that note, it's 8pm and I'm still wearing the running clothes I've had on since 5:30am.   Treadmill time!

Wordless Wednesday

2011-08-31T06:00:00.002-04:00

I'm generally not into "memes" and also not generally capable of being "wordless." It just happened that I got these beautiful shots (taken from my back porch) recently and wanted to share.

Scenes like this are one of the benefits of being an early riser.

Carpe diem!

Comic Relief from the Sky

2011-08-15T11:34:00.001-04:00

As ya'll know, I spend my fair share of time on airplanes. Based on my experience, there are plenty of flight attendants who have aspirations of life on the stage vs. life in the air.

When it comes to the singer/songwriter flight attendants, I can only say, "Don't quit your day job." At the very least please don't sing during your day job. I've heard in-flight vocals which actually made me wish the plane would crash. Just sayin'.

And then you have the comedians....

Regardless of whether these quips are actually funny, a "top ten" always puts a smile on my face. So here are just a few of the one-liners I've noted over the years:

1. "For those of you who haven't been in a car since 1957, here's how you use a seatbelt..."

2. "If you are traveling with a child or someone who acts like one, you may now board."

3. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure... stop screaming, grab the oxygen mask, and pull it over your face. If you are traveling with a small child, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one child, now would be a good time to pick a favorite."

4. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

5. "In the case of a crash landing, please stay in your seat, put your head down and kiss your butt goodbye."

6. During landing: "Clip clop. Clip clop. Clip clop. Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. "Once the captain has turned off the seatbelt sign you may depart using the exit nearest you, leaving all your emotional baggage behind."

8. "Please check the seat pocket in front of you and only leave those items you think we would like to have... wallets, ipods, leftover candy... all good."

9. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane."

10. "Thank you for flying our airline. Now get the hell out."

What's Your Agenda, Frosty?

2011-08-02T05:00:00.024-04:00

Last year I had the privilege of meeting Peter Guber, box office genius and bestselling author of Tell to Win. Whenever I find myself wanting to hit the "delete" button on past musings about my life, I think of him. His advice reminds me that the best way to connect with people is through personal storytelling.

This is not one of the most emotional stories I have told here, but it illustrates the benefits of being goal-oriented at any age.

Some of you know my "three-quarter" sister, Angela. We're "three quarter" sisters because we have the same dad and different mothers but our mothers are sisters. Go ahead and read that again if you need to. I'll wait. Hello Jerry Springer! I know.

Ange was a great companion for creative pursuits. Make that co-conspirator. We didn't just write and draw and play and sing together the way most siblings might do. We almost always had an angle. Sometimes it was altruistic. Sometimes entrepreneurial. Sometimes just plain ol' ego; a deep desire to be on stage.

One day when I was maybe nine years old, Ange and I set out to accomplish our entire agenda in one full scale theatrical production.

The "stage" was a long walk-in closet in Angela's bedroom. The space wasn't that deep but the width scaled the room and it had bright green bi-fold doors on each side that functioned perfectly as "curtains."

We created a script which I remember as a slightly twisted version of Frosty the Snowman. Mind you, it was the middle of summer. (That's me with the bright pink scarf.)

To us, it also made perfect sense that if you're going to go through the trouble of creating a play, designing costumes and converting a closet into a theatre, you need to sell tickets. Of course.

This part of the memory is actually more fun when Angela's mom (my step-mom and aunt) tells the story. She clearly remembers the doorbell ringing and a line of people at the front door.

They told her simply, "We're here for the play."

Then after seeing the confused look on her face, they clarified, "We have tickets."

I don't remember how many people she actually let in the house, but I know from the pictures we had an audience. They enjoyed it and we enjoyed it. We made some money and got to be stahs. (That's "stars" for those of you not from the greater Boston area.)

Goals accomplished.

Next time you find yourself sitting in a long, painful meeting or wearing a giant pink scarf in the middle of summer, ask "What are our goals here?"

I guarantee it will make the experience much more rewarding for everyone involved.

Enjoy,

Basking in Appreciation for the Mundane

2011-07-24T07:09:00.011-04:00

Life is imperfect and inconsistent.

Wonderful at times. Really flippin' awful at other times. And then, there are all the moments in between.

Yesterday morning, I went grocery shopping as I typically do first thing on Saturdays. Other than the discovery that the store was once again stocking my beloved Kombucha drink, nothing particularly special happened on the trip. And yet as I drove away, a huge wave of gratitude washed over me.  An incredible awareness and appreciation for something which perhaps I had at other times perceived as mundane or maybe even annoying.

It was a good reminder to really love those "in between" moments.   The simple things.  Like the ability to walk freely into a store, pluck a seemingly unlimited supply of nourishment from its shelves, have enough money to pay for everything including "treats," get in a nice car and drive safely home to my happy and healthy family.

How incredible is that?!

Lest you think my head is completely nestled in the clouds (or someplace else), there was a point in my 20's when I had to reconcile the chaos of my childhood with my ability to have my own happy, peaceful life.   I worked hard to overcome the feeling that any periods of normalcy were simply the "tick tick tick tick" of the roller coaster going up a steep slope before the inevitable, scream-filled plummet which was sure to follow.

Over the years I have found great solace in being truly thankful, even to the point of appreciating past adversity for the strength, resourcefulness and resiliency it has gifted to me.

So, my #1 tip for finding internal life balance at any moment can be described in one word: GRATITUDE.

If there is ever a time where you feel "stuck" through anxiety, boredom, complacency or depression, I guarantee that basking in gratitude will pull you right up from your boot straps.

Highs and lows are fleeting. Here's wishing you some truly amazing "in between" moments.

Carpe diem,

Life is NOT a Teeter-Totter

2011-07-20T07:00:00.004-04:00

Given the influx of new readers (thanks again all!), I thought it might be helpful to repost a quick review of my life balance perspective.

A lot of people make an immediate mental leap from "life balance" to "work/life balance." In fact, there is an entire industry focused on work/life balance worth billions of dollars.

Still, calling it "work/life" balance somehow says that work and life are on the same playing field, vying for position. It implies what I call teeter-totter (aka "seesaw") energy. It assumes that when one side goes up, the other goes down and vice versa. There is a perpetual give and take... with parallel neutrality being the ideal scenario.

Personally I think this is neither realistic nor desirable.

First of all, I'm not sure I want my life to be "neutral." I want it to be exciting and ambitious. I want it to include hard work and I'm sure every boss I've ever had is happy I feel this way.

Furthermore, "work/life" balance is simply a misnomer. Yes, work is a part of life. But so is family, education, community and taking care of yourself so you can handle it all.

Life is a juggling act, not a teeter-totter ride. Work is just one ball in the mix.

Here's the real secret: Life balance is not about keeping all those balls in the air in perfect rhythm at all times. Of course we try. It's important to have strategies around the "DO" in the BE -- DO -- HAVE model I've described before. That's why resources like The Get-It-Done Guy are so very valuable.

Still, the world is an unpredictable place and let's face it, we're human. Sometimes those balls are going to drop through some misstep of our own or with the help of others. We may even lose a ball for a while. Sometimes it feels like we are juggling bowling balls. They may turn into a little evil monster heads and try to eat our face. Like I said before, stuff happens.

The thing to remember is that true life balance is internal.

What's most important is the balance within you -- your physical, mental, emotional, spiritual self. When those things are in harmony, the objects of external life can explode into flaming stink bombs and you'll be just fine.

More than that, a balanced internal foundation means you'll be strong enough to cope, problem solve, persist and overcome anything that comes your way.

Including evil monster heads.

Peace,

Customer Delight

2011-07-02T09:25:00.001-04:00

Speaking of competitive reality television....

There is a common type of "challenge" whether the theme of the reality show is cooking or interior design or dating. It revolves around creating something for someone else based on understanding that "customer's" expectations, needs, tastes, etc.

Recently, a judge on one of the shows -- I think it was Vern Yip but don't quote me on that -- made a comment which really got me thinking. He wasn't complimenting the winner so much as explaining why the runner-up didn't win, despite the fact that he done a great job executing exactly what the "customer" had asked.

"Sometimes it's not about just giving someone what they imagine as the perfect thing. It's about going to that place where you give them something even better than anything they could have dreamed."

As you know, I enjoy relating principles which work in a successful business as well as in a successful personal life. (Thus the birth of Personal Strategic Management.)

This got me thinking about all of the training I've received over the years around Quality, TQM, Customer Delight and so forth. Throughout my professional life, I've made it a priority to build relationships and perform to a level of service that significantly exceeded what my clients had ever expected. My goal has been to go far beyond "satisfied customers."

In my previous career, this is what helped me (and my amazing team of like-minded professionals) grow a strategic accounts business from $3M to $38M in less than four years.

So, I know it's a practice which leads to professional success.

But what about in life? In my last post, I said that we are our own customers. So now I'm wondering: How well am I doing for myself and my own "customer satisfaction"?

What are my service level expectations? Am I capable of exceeding those to my own delight? Gosh - am I even meeting my basic needs, let alone anything above that?

How would you answer that question?

This question about not only meeting, but exceeding expectations, applies throughout the extended layers of our lives. Family. Friends. Work. Local community. Globally.

As you ask yourself and others "How can I help you today?" how great it would be to go even one step further towards creating delight.

Call me a hopeless optimist, but I believe it is possible to live a life which is even better than our wildest dreams.

Carpe diem!
Charlene

Everything I Ever Needed to Know, I Learned in Sales

2011-06-12T17:23:00.032-04:00

Okay, maybe not everything. How about six things?

Here are six life lessons I've learned via 25 years of bag carrying, teleconferencing, cubicling and negotiating:

1. It helps to have a great product. I've sold everything from newspapers and theatre subscriptions to jewelry, trade shows and health club memberships plus business solutions of all shapes and sizes. I’ve learned that it’s a lot easier to sell what I believe in than it is to sell the crappy stuff.

Increased confidence brings increased capacity.

In life, it’s hard to be confident when you feel crappy. In order to believe in ourselves, we have to invest in ourselves - physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

2. Be organized. There's always one salesperson on the team who makes the numbers but is also a completely disorganized mess. Truth is, they could really blow it out of the water if they got some good habits and process to go with their talent.

Yes, true life balance is internal, but consistency and good habits are absolutely critical to achieving our highest potential. Life is too short to just make the numbers.

3. S/he who controls the agenda controls the outcome. My goal is always to lead the customer down a specific path towards what I want as next steps - whether it’s the close, the next meeting, more information or whatever. Having prospects drag ya into tangents and down rat holes is not fun and usually unsuccessful.

In life as well, we must set our intention and have a plan. Follow a course which leads to the ideal outcome. Absolutely listen and learn along the way, but know when someone or something is bringing you off course. Then, make a deliberate and mindful decision about whether you want to go down that new road. Beware "shiny object" syndrome.

4. Show me you know me. There is nothing more annoying and nonproductive than talking to a salesperson who knows nothing about your business (or you). Take the time. Do homework. Be thoughtful. Listen. Listen. Listen. My goal is to be someone that people want to talk to more; not someone they want to avoid. In business and in life, success can be measured by the relationships we build.

5. Fill the pipeline. Along the same lines of Heads Up!, we need to be thinking both short-term and long-term. All the time. For better or for worse, this too shall pass. We should appreciate the good times but not use it as an excuse to be fat, dumb and lazy. Along the same lines, everyone goes through “slumps.” These pass too as long as depression doesn’t take the place of diligence. Keep moving. Keep pushing. The future is now.

6. Ask for the business. My very first job was at a mall clothing store in Suburbia, USA. Although they called me a “sales" clerk, all I really did was stand around, watch people look at the clothes, and hope they’d buy. My next few gigs came with much higher expectations but also scripts. I’m sure I sounded awful saying things like (insert cheesy sales voice), “So... will you be buying a one-year or a two-year subscription today?” But I learned. A lot.

Since then, I don’t think I’ve ever gotten a bad critique from a sales manager because I failed to ask for the sale. (Though on one sales call not too long ago a former boss wrote in huge letters on my presentation, “TOO JOLLY! BE MORE SERIOUS!!!" Yes, really.)

Bottom line, even in life: We have to ASK for what we want. Whether it’s our partner, our children, our boss or the universe, we have to put it out there. Explicitly. Even when you don't think you should have to. You do.

ASK. BELIEVE. RECEIVE.

Special thanks to Stephen Pia of COACH MEdia, one of my first and favorite corporate sales trainers!

Heads Up!

2011-05-14T13:29:00.025-04:00

One of the things I've been exploring on the business side is this idea of "heads up" vs. "heads down" focus. Particularly when things are in fast growth mode, it can get easy to just put our heads down and work our tailfeathers off.

Operationalize and get it done. Process flows, to do lists, delegation, resources, project workbooks, change management, deadlines, fire fighting, assuming great people and wins will continue to flourish.

Over time, we can forget that what got everyone off the mat in the first place was vision. Conceptualizing, goal-setting, motivating, dreaming, longer term planning, sky's the limit thinking, getting fired up, truly appreciating every ounce of contribution and every success, no matter how small.

Fast growth is not enough. In fact, it has been the death knell of more than one organization.

As I think about all the truly great businesses I have seen, read about and worked with (including my current) - it's been their ability to balance an energized heads up culture with incredible heads down execution, bringing them rapid and sustainable success.

Okay, so what does this have to do with you and me on a personal level?

Stuff like this is why I conceptualized "Personal Strategic Management" in the first place: Our lives are like these businesses.

When life is nothing but a daily grind (aka: SSDD), we simply cannot grow to our full personal potential.

Don't kid yourself; having energy is not the same as having a zest for life. Running around like crazy people, shifting back and forth between "routine" and "crisis", worrying about who or what needs to be where, putting everyone's needs before our own or even worse, thinking of things like exercise and healthy eating as the real drudgery and sacrifice.

Heads down living spins us into a cycle of procrastinating our goals to such an extent that we don't even know what our dreams are anymore.

In order to achieve healthy longevity, true happiness and sustainable prosperity we need to have vision in our lives.

Dream, set goals, visualize, plan, build, unreservedly give to others and ourselves, move with pleasure, eat with mindfulness, get fired up, believe in unlimited abundance, bask in gratitude.

If anything, this balance is more important personally than it is professionally. Think about it. Our individual lives are a limited, one-shot deal. Companies often survive many human lifetimes.

I am on a mission to keep the balance between "heads down" surviving and "heads up" thriving. Will you join me?

Carpe diem!

Photo note: I shot this picture myself when a hot air balloon flew directly over my house. (It has made several repeat visits since!)

Book credit: Although I've heard the concept of "heads up" and "heads down" business strategy a few times over the years, this latest inspiration is thanks to a great book by Ken Blanchard and Mark Miller called, The Secret: What Great Leaders Know and Do.

What Color is Your Life?

2011-05-03T06:00:00.002-04:00

As a "Life Balance Strategist," I've discovered that there are many personal assessments out there. Some ask lots of questions. Some ask you to rate various aspects of your life on a scale of numbers. Some ask you to plot points on a chart or graph.

Not to create any negative energy since I know all of these tools come from a place of wanting to help people. Disclaimers aside, I have a few minor complaints. Let's discuss.

One is that these tests tend to be far too complicated.

Most likely if someone is seeking out a "life balance assessment," they are already experiencing some stress in life. In my opinion, many of these tests unintentionally exacerbate the stress.

Here's a very popular format: "I enjoy the company of others: Never, Seldom, Occasionally, Most of the Time, Often or Always."

As far as I'm concerned, you really need more details for some of these questions to be answered accurately. For example, who exactly are the "others" and are refreshments being served?

Some have trick questions,"If you were a fruit, what kind would you be?" Or, repeat questions worded different ways to see if maybe you lied the first time.

Some tests just take so damn long that if you didn't have a life balance issue when you started, you very well may have one by the time you're done.

Luckily there are some personal assessments out there which attempt simplicity. You can simply write a plus or a minus sign next to specific categories or answer a handful of yes/no questions.

However, even these have one consistent flaw for me. They tend to place equal emphasis on internal as well as external life areas. For example, one has sections of a pie chart with labels of health, friends, work, spiritual, and family. A bunch of others include a square with four quadrants including categories like work, friends, family and self.

My philosophy and a primary inspiration in creating Personal Strategic Management (PSM) is that SELF must be the critical core. Internal is prioritized over external. YOU are the central point of energy; radiating from the inside out to create success in all of the other areas of life.

Here's a preview of what I've defined as the "Capacity Framework":

True life balance starts with the internal. It's our ability to maintain a strong and healthy Critical Core, even when we are not reaching external goals.

At the end of the day, throughout your life... all that external stuff may come and go. But you've got YOU forever, baby. Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, for the rest of your life. There is not another single person, thing or activity for which this is also true.

Here's a high level explanation of the self-assessment tool I created and have been delivering at Life Balance Workshops like the one I did at Emerson College recently.

To start, think about your own life in terms of each PSM area: Critical Core, HR/Facilities, Learning, Social Responsibility & Finance. Rate yourself in each of the five categories based on this green, yellow, red scale.

Think about each "rating" in terms of your OWN criteria. Don't assess yourself based on the judgment of society or your parents or whomever. It's called a SELF-assessment for a reason.

For example, Finance & Profitability: Let's say you are a stay-at-home mom and do not collect an actual paycheck. Yet, this arrangement works well for your situation and does not create stress for you personally. Your contribution may be that you control the budget, watch expenses and physically pay the bills accurately and on time. You may not work outside the home but this area may well be green. It could also be red. You need to decide for yourself.

Conversely, you may have an advanced degree but really feel there's some other educational goal you want or need to achieve to feel completely fulfilled in some way. So even an MBA executive might mark L&D as yellow or red.

All that said, the first place to focus is in the center - the Critical Core. In this area, even more than the others, think of the colors as a standard American traffic light.

If you rated your Critical Core as red, then STOP. Chances are pretty good that if you are truly a red at the Core, there's not a lot of sustainable green in your life.

In any case, no matter what measure of "success" you perceive in the other areas, nothing is more important than figuring out what you need to do to start taking care of the Critical Core.

A very nice lady recently responded to this advice with, "I was taught that taking care of myself ahead of others is selfish." I get that. But let's review: If you get sick (mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually) you are not really doing anyone justice. Don't kid yourself. Be selfish. I'll write you a note.

If you rated the Critical Core as yellow, then PROCEED WITH CAUTION. Contrary to popular belief, yellow does not mean speed up quickly because you know it's going to turn red any minute. My fellow overachievers -- this means you.

If you're green, then keep going. YAY YOU!

Self-assessment is really about creating awareness. Not just about what we may want to do differently but also about what we're doing right. Likewise, the personal strategic planning process is as much about outlining what has worked well for you in your life as it is about improvement.

In the words of Aesop, "Don't let your special character and values, the secret that you know and no one else does, the truth - don't let that get swallowed up by the great chewing complacency."

Thank you for Occasionally, Most of the Time, Often, Always reading my blog. I really appreciate it!

OCD Quick Tip: Clearing Car Clutter

2011-04-17T15:20:00.015-04:00

I know my usual schtick is about the internal stuff; staying sane in a crazy busy life and all that.

BE -> DO -> HAVE

That said, although I'm no "Get-It-Done Guy" or "Tip Junkie", I still like to give some good ~~OCD~~ "DO" pointers now and then.

This is for you if you could feed a small country with the Cheerios, french fries and other snacks on the floor of your ~~minivan~~ crossover vehicle.

Or, it looks like you've been living in your car surviving only on coffee and fast food.

Or, your "remote office" has four wheels and a free form filing system complete with cup holders.

Or, if you actually could live and work in your car without needing any external food, paper or clothing for several days.

If this is you or you know anyone who fits one (or more) of the above descriptions, there is hope.

The key thing to remember is that it's all about routine.

Yes there are fancy bins and "systems" for keeping the car tidy, but my experience is that these only serve to create more nooks and crannies for the junk.

Personally, it helps me to have a frequent trigger for getting the crap out of the car on a habitual basis.

For example, sometimes I stop at Dunkin Donuts to get a coffee for my ride to work. As I approach the drive-thru, I stop at the convenient giraffe-like barrels to discard old coffee cups or plastic bottles I may have collected in prior days.

When I get gas, I empty the car of any other trash. Lately it's LOTS of tissues thanks to all the sniffles going around. If the kids are in the car, they are part of the process. While I am pumping gas (and using more tissues to dry my tears over the $4 per gallon), they unbuckle and go on "the hunt." Sometimes I give prizes. If I'm not in a huge rush, I shake out the floor mats real quick as well.

When we get home, the kids know they must carry in everything which belongs to them. This includes artwork, bags, half-empty (or half-full) juice boxes, sweaters, toys, balls, shoes, cups, hats and fencing swords. Everything.

Just like the toys and stuff on the floor at home: If I am the one who has to pick up an item, I get to determine it's destiny.

My poor son has learned the hard way that I'm not bluffing. (Though I do feel just a tiny bit guilty for throwing away his precious snowman picture, he is exponentially more diligent ever since.)

If you don't have kids, then parent yourself and do a quick "clean sweep" every time you go into the house or the office. What's ten extra seconds a day towards respecting such an investment?

Like life, you may not be able to prevent the crap from getting in there, but good habits and healthy routines will keep it from piling up and creating an overwhelming mess.

Good luck!

Photo credit for "trash car": Robyn Miller from Dinosaurs and Robots

Whose Life is it Anyway?

2011-04-04T17:50:00.037-04:00

Here's a fun assignment: In five minutes or less, act out a skit about a foreign country and a mythical creature from that culture. During the story, you must incorporate three random objects in such a way so as to symbolize "souvenirs" from that destination. Just for fun, you will also be presented with an unexpected problem which you must also integrate and overcome.

Oh, and you only get your culture, creature, props and problem five minutes before you have to tell the story.

So let's say its Greece, the Oracle at Delphi, a mop, an embroidery hoop and dental floss. And the problem is that someone in the story suddenly grows a tail. Ready, set, go!

Sound like fun?

This "improvisational challenge" is an example of what my daughter, Miss M (grade 5) and four of her friends got to do this weekend with a very cool program called "Destination ImagiNation."

As you back slowly out of the room, consider this: Life is one big improv challenge.

We really have no way of knowing exactly what may happen next in our lives, what "tools" we may need to use or what unexpected problems may be thrown at us.

Okay, so most likely we won't grow a tail. (Though there was that one time in '92 with the tequila shots.) Anyhoo...

Last week, I had the pleasure of listening to and meeting Pamela Meyer, author of Workplace to Playspace: Innovating, Learning and Changing Through Dynamic Engagement. Her talk was about using a specific set of strategies to develop organizational capacity. However, it really got me thinking about the connection between improv and personal capacity.

Pamela explained, "Everyone has times when they need to respond to the unexpected and unplanned."

Among many other great insights, she also conveyed three specific dynamics:

1. Competence - ability to respond using only available resources

2. Consciousness - lively and active awareness of possibilities

3. Confidence - belief in one's own and others' abilities

As you can imagine, her ideas really resonated with me (especially the one about confidence.) Furthermore, its clear that these things become increasingly important in a world which is changing exponentially and on so many levels.

Thinking about my own experiences, I might actually add one more to her list. I know - who the hell do I think I am, right?

4. Centered-ness

(It may not be a real word but since Pam used "time-ful" in her speech, I figure I'm good.)

In my mind, centered-ness is the presence of a healthy "home base" that we can rely on and come back to.

As individuals, it's the solid foundation of physical, mental, spiritual, emotional health that we can count on to get us through any change, obstacle or unexpected event.

(There are some great organizational connections here as well but we can save those for another time.)

Thinking about what makes a successful improv performance group, there's a certain "go with the flow" that just works. You know it's unscripted but somehow a cohesive story emerges with a clear beginning, middle and end. Magic.

As I observe Miss M's improv team, that collaboration is centered by specific "knowns" such as understanding the strengths of each individual and solid principles of teamwork. On a more basic level, it's having a clear head, being well-fed and well-rested, etc.

The truth is that life can present us with even bigger challenges than having to fit cable ties and tube socks into a story about the Russian Firebird and having frogs in our pocket.

When I keep harping on true life balance being internal, this is what I am talking about: it's about our ability to be ready for anything that comes our way.

Next time you need a little extra motivation to take care of yourself, think of it as building your improv toolkit so you can handle whatever "stuff" gets thrown at you (or hits the fan, as the case may be.)

Internal life balance... the new duct tape.

Carpe diem,

Empty Your Cup Before it Overfloweth

2011-03-13T11:24:00.018-04:00

Pretty much everyone I talk to about life balance admits that they often feel overwhelmed.  Clearly there are moments when the glass isn't half full or half empty. It's just plain full.

A cup about to overflow.

Even the thought of not being to handle it all adds yet more pressure. Oh, the possibilities and consequences!  Judgment.  Extra mess to clean up. Suffocation. Failure. (Hello fellow overachievers!)

Sometimes that super anxious feeling is a clue to us that we need to do less or ask for help.

When both of those options are truly off the table, our "relief" has to come from within.

True life balance is internal.

Instead of waiting to see which next "drop" will unleash the flood, I personally find meditation to be the quickest way of mentally and emotionally emptying my cup a little bit.

Here's an exercise I find especially helpful in those moments. Very simple. Even if you've never meditated before, this is a great one to try. If you're already comfortable with meditation, you can take it to the next level by using different colors depending on what your focus or goal is at the time.

First, deep breathing. In past posts I've mentioned the square breathing technique. (In for four; hold for four; out for four; hold for four. Rinse. Repeat.)

You can do that or just take a few deep breaths. In through your nose; out through your mouth. Doesn't need to be a huge ordeal, just close your eyes and breathe.   Slow, easy, deep breaths.

Now imagine that there is a little pilot light in the area of your heart. If you need a visualization to get started, picture a match or small candle being lit.

Next, picture the light gradually getting brighter and brighter... a yellow or white glow expanding bigger and bigger until it surrounds your whole body. Then, imagine the glow is radiating out into the room around you, through to the sky and then shining out into the universe like a beacon of light.

As you do this, feel the feelings of harmony, gratitude and happiness. You can even think of a specific happy moment. Whatever helps you replace the usual chaos of life with peaceful, joyous, thankful feelings. Let the positive emotion wash over you. Bask in it.

Allow all the muscles of your face, neck and shoulders relax. Let that goofy smile to take over. Laugh even. (Yes, you do look silly. It's okay. You're allowed.)

When I do this, I usually picture my kids. There is a special feeling of intense joy and peace I feel when I'm snuggling them close, kissing their hair and feeling so filled with love that nothing in the world could ever take it away.

If you're into affirmations (which I am), you can repeat something to yourself like, "I am radiating love and light; attracting health, happiness and prosperity into my life now."

So be it, so it is.

Seeing the World Through Half-Full Glasses

2011-03-05T20:00:00.016-05:00

You've heard the theories about people who see the world as a glass which is either half full or half empty.

Personally, I really want to know what's IN the glass before committing to an answer.

Okay, so I've actually been accused of being TOO positive, even sans Chardonnay.

Someone recently flamed me on Facebook saying something to the effect that I "constantly make it seem like the world poops cupcakes and rainbows."

It wasn't meant as a compliment. Clearly that came from a glass-half-empty kinda guy.

The thing is I try to be positive. (And not just to annoy the pooping rainbows guy. Okay, maybe just a wee bit.)

Sometimes it takes more effort than you would think. A lot more.

But ya know what? Life is about choices.

As most of you know, I lost my dad last year. There is nothing to explain that kind of sadness. People say it gets easier. It doesn't. Somehow life goes on, but the grief changes a person on a cellular level. Not a day goes by when I don't think about how the world isn't the same without him. And each time, it's like a brand new revelation.

Apparently his former medical suppliers, utilities companies, salespeople and the like are having trouble accepting his death as well. Since my address is his forwarding, I get all his mail. Every. Single. Flippin. Day.

At some point I realized I had three choices:

Cry every time the mail came.
Spend many hours and much effort in some futile effort to keep the mail from coming.
Change my perspective.

In the spirit of full disclosure I tried the first two options for several months before I thought of number three.

Like I said, sometimes this stuff takes work.

Finally I decided that every time I saw an envelope with my dad's name on it, I'd think of it as his way of saying, "Hey little kid. How ya doin'?"

To which I'd reply the same way my dad would, "I'm fantastic. Thanks for asking."

A sad reminder transformed into a gift through the power of perspective.

Each day presents multiple opportunities to choose our perspective. When we wake up; as we interact with our partners and children; in the car; at work; at the store. All day long.

Choices.

Try this little experiment for one full day: Starting from the moment you wake up, be hyper-aware of each thought which comes into your brain (or out of your mouth or on your Facebook status.) Find a way to transform any negative thoughts to be positive. Find the silver lining. Make the glass half full.

Fill the world with cupcakes and rainbows.

Carpe diem,

Practice What You Preach Much?

2011-02-27T08:59:00.005-05:00

What was the last piece of advice you gave someone? Do you practice what you preach?

Between this blog and my kids and work, I have lots of opportunities to ~~nag at people~~ give helpful guidance.

One of my favorite things about having the blog in particular is the public reminder to practice what I preach. Instant accountability. It’s the kind of thing which keeps my hand out of the candy jar at work because I know some of my co-workers JUST read about how I’m eating less sugar.

As a side note, here's a little tip I discovered quite by accident:

Keep the sweet temptation (which of course you only buy for everyone else) in a tin container with a very noisy metal latch. Mine came pre-programmed with a special frequency. Listen. *clang* *clang*

Hear it? It's the sound of accountability saying, "You again?! Seriously?"

The reality is that whether we are helping ourselves or others, sometimes it takes messing up a few times to get it right. Even once we figure out how to do it, we gotta practice. Fall down. Stand up. Take any hero of yours in any field and most likely they didn’t come out of the womb naturally accomplished at what they are great at doing.

So, I take the expression "practice what you preach" to heart. Nobody's perfect.

Still, it pays to at least try to heed our own advice. Even better, next time you find yourself in a tough place ask, "What would I tell my best friend to do in this situation?"

As I'm always tellin' ya: True life balance is internal.

Quite often we have the answers we need inside us. We just need to listen.

Best,

New Year's Resolution Sealed with a KISS

2011-02-19T16:17:00.044-05:00

Recently, my daughter declaimed, "Did you know that 75% of people who make New Year's resolutions break them within three months?"

Miss M. has a knack for finding and repeating such trivia. Kinda like that kid in Jerry Maguire who spouted, "Did you know that the human head weighs 10 pounds?"

Some might be shocked by that statistic. No, not the one about the head. The one about the ~~slackers~~ New Year's resolution people.   I'm not shocked. I'm impressed.   Most people I know can't even remember their resolutions by about mid-February.

Personally I have a vague recollection of saying something about eating less sugar.   To be fair, I made this resolution after two(ish) glasses of Moët and a piece of carrot cake.

Thanks to Miss. M's reminder, I now have another month to join the ranks of the ~~party poopers~~ more disciplined 25%.

There is a plethora of information out there about the gylcemic index as well as various formulas for banishing sweet stuff from your life.

Apparently Dr. Oz has a 28-Day Sugar Detox Challenge and I have to say, if I was going to follow a "program," that one looks pretty good.   I'm just not up to that level of complexity right now. I'm in more of what they call "KISS" mode.

KISS = Keep It Simple Stupid.

Once things settle down a bit, I'll go for the Oz degree in being sugar-free. I promise when that happens, I'll share the gritty day-by-day details on my blog. Then, watch out Xylotol -- I'll be coming to gitcha!

The first step towards any change is AWARENESS.

Of course there are lots of hidden sugars in the food we eat.  However, my current focus is on the one that is actually called sugar. It doesn't try to hide behind a secret code name because it knows we aren't that smart yet.    Sugar especially knows we are suckers for food packages with words like "smart" or "healthy."

Case in point is the breakfast drink my husband (aka "Big D") keeps buying because the front of the container says it has "100% of the day's essential nutrients."   Sweet!   No really, it's sweet. Too sweet.  Twenty-six grams of sugar.   Seriously, dude?

I'll admit that I've fallen victim as well.   I once discovered that the meal bars I was buying were more like candy bars. They could only count as a meal if you usually eat chocolate chip cookies for lunch.

Before I found out I was allergic to yogurt, I was eating one that had 32 grams of sugar in it.

"But yogurt is so healthy!" I cried.    Yeah, not so much. I'd been had.

So, it comes down to reading the labels and being honest about what we're eating. Preferably before tying on the feed bag.  Why let the food lie to us?   Why lie to ourselves?   On New Year's Eve, I'm sure my resolution statement was followed by some rationalization that I was already on the right track eating carrot cake.    I know, right?

Anyhoo, my new personal goal is to eat less than 28 grams of sugar per day and make it count.

By "make it count" I mean to make a conscious choice to eat sugar and feel good about it.   If I want a cookie or a handful of Skittles, I eat them. But no surprises.

Whether it's candy, ketchup, eggplant meat(less)balls or whatever, I look at the label, read where it says the word "sugar" and how many grams per serving. I consider the quantity I am consuming and add to the day's total. Keepin' it simple.

Of course there are know-it-alls out there who will say stuff like, "An apple doesn't have a label but does have a lot of sugar."

It's a freakin' apple, people.

Maybe it's flawed oversimplification on my part, but any food which reaches my lips exactly as it came from Mother Nature is a free pass.

When eating out, I order foods that contain ingredients I know fit within my daily goals. There are a number of great apps and tools for getting this kind of data. Two of my faves are MyNetDiary and FitDay.

I'm used to food tracking (from when I lost the first 60 lbs) but if you're someone for whom such tools get outside the realm of KISS, here is an easier strategy:

Break down the meal into segments. Then, pick a maximum of only one item in which to invest the "sacred grams."

For example, consider the following possible sugar snares:

       1. Beverage - anything which contains alcohol, juice, non-diet soda or dairy.

       2. Main Course - anything with a sauce or a glaze or anything with the word "sweet" in the recipe; also gotta watch the condiments.

      3. Dessert - seriously, I have to explain this? It's dessert for Pete's sake. Don't kid yourself.

Pick your one poison (as they say) and then enjoy it.

Keep it simple. Pick your battles. Know thine enemy.

Best,

PS: If you like what you see here, please click the "Follow" button and/or subscribe by email so I can build the forum for my book. Thanks so much!!

The Value Spectrum

2011-02-01T07:58:00.001-05:00

Recently I attended a party where I was the only one not to have seen a single episode of LOST, CSI, West Wing, ER, Gossip Girl, Law & Order or a bunch of other shows I've never even heard of.

You probably understand not watching a lot of TV because of time. I can't possibly be Supermom, career woman, student, volunteer, self-health freak, freelance Life Balance Strategist AND a couch potato. It's easy to give the "no time" excuse when I'm lost about LOST.

Yet, I know that "no time" is really what we call in Salesland, a lazy objection. It's the "no budget" of life balance.

For those who have never carried a bag (harkening back to a day when salestypes actually had a bag o' goods), "no budget" is the easiest way to end a potential sale.

Without turning this post into a sales tutorial, the easiest response is, "Okay, thanks. Keep us in mind for the future." And then move on to the next rejection. Easiest... and yet not so much, since finding and starting over with a new prospect can be more difficult than overcoming objections. Definitely not the path to success.

When it comes to life balance challenges, the easy way out is to say, "no time."

I know I should exercise more but I don't have the time. I know I should eat healthier but I don't have the time. Meditate - no time. Read more books - no time. Go back to school - no time. Get organized - no time. Be more romantic - no time. Create a detailed financial plan so when I say "no budget" I know how lazy an objection it really is - no time.

You get the idea. We may even know that these things will actually help us but we tell ourselves we don't have time to deal with it.

The most basic way to overcome an objection is to say, "If *insert objection* wasn't an issue, would you do it?"

Sales 101, I know. I can hear some of my co-workers groan as I type this. But it's applicable, even in life balance.

Regarding my TV issue, some astute person at a cocktail party might ask me, "If you had the time, would you watch CSI: Miami?" In response to which, I'd take a sip of my Cosmopolitan martini (since I also sometimes catch old late night repeats of Sex & the City) and say, "Nope."

The truth is I just don't enjoy popular TV dramas. They actually kinda stress me out. Maybe it's because I'm too empathic, not sure.

But you can see it's really not about time; it's about value. Value in all things, whether you're talking widgets, life balance or television, is individual. People value different things for different reasons. There's no magic formula. In Salesland, it's as much an art as a science figuring out exactly how each company, department and individual perceives value.

Personally, I most enjoy a specific genre of television: competitive reality shows. Survivor, So You Think You Can Dance, Top Chef (or Iron Chef or Chopped), Project Runway. Stuff other people, including my husband, consider a complete waste of time. (I can now also hear the groan of my hard-working actor friends.)

It's also about prioritization. There's really never a moment in my life where I prioritize TV above other things. As much as I enjoy a good American Idol showdown, I'm not going to give up a night out or time to write so as not to miss an episode.

As in business, there's a spectrum of value. The key in presenting something new is to figure out where it would most likely sit on that spectrum (if at all) and then figure out how to elevate it's position of value. Sometimes this means moving other things farther down the list, displacing them altogether or somehow allowing them to share priority placement.

When it comes to television, we are lucky to have online options as well as magical recording devices which no longer need bulky tapes or keep us up at night flashing 12:00 -- 12:00 -- 12:00 -- 12:00 -- 12:00 -- . TV has accomplished that rare "have your cake and eat it too" solution. No wonder it's a trillion dollar industry. Still not going to get me to watch CSI, but I can watch the shows I do value whilst walking on my treadmill, making dinner or driving to work. (Just kidding.)

The life balance lesson for you is about overcoming your own "lazy objections" especially in regards to taking better care of yourself.

Can you honestly answer "yes" to the question, "If you did have the time, would you do it?"

Look at your value spectrum. Where does exercise or eating better or meditating (or whatever) fit on that scale? What's above it? Thinking about both value and prioritization, is that the picture of your "best life"? Is it sustainable?

The coolest thing of all in this scenario is that you are both the salesperson and the customer. You have control over the entire transaction. You can tap into creative solutions which work for you in unique ways. You control the outcome.

Don't sell yourself short. Remember: Increased confidence brings increased capacity.

Best,
Charlene

Breaking Down Walls of Judgment

2011-01-17T13:44:00.033-05:00

Over the past several weeks, I've had the productive pleasure of participating in Keith Ferrazzi's Relationship Master's Academy. If Keith's name sounds familiar to you here, you may remember that I made a complete arse out of myself the first time I met him. Water under the bridge now of course... though I may experience a Pavlovian cringe the next time I see a plate of bananas foster.

In any case, I've been talking a whole lot about relationships lately. What makes them strong? What makes them difficult? How do we build more and better relationships? What are the secrets to proper care and feeding of a good network? And so on.

It's convenient timing for such exploration as I am also working on the book proposal for My Life Does Not Make Your Butt Look Big (working title).

One consistent observation is that critical judgment of others is not only extremely common, but can make a big difference in our ability to form and nurture relationships.

I'm not just talking about the, "Oh. Em. Gee. Did you see what she was, like, wearing?!" kind of judgment.

We project our opinions onto others in so many ways, both personally and professionally. Often, these experiences do not have happy endings.

For example, my very first job was as a commissioned sales associate at a clothing store in Suburbia, USA. I was only 16 years old and didn't even have my driver's license yet. (Picture me riding four miles each way on an old five-speed with my Farrah Fawcett hair and Payless platforms.)

To make a long story short, I learned a valuable lesson when I ignored an unkempt customer who ended up spending $350 with another clerk who was more attentive and less judgmental.

The story was more poignant before they made Pretty Woman. But you get the idea.

In the 25 years since my mall days, I've learned a few additional lessons with similar themes about the dynamics of relationships and judgment:

1. Solutions can come from the most unexpected places. No matter how high we think our position, it pays to listen to everyone and anyone willing to come forth with their ideas about how to make things better.

2. When times get tough, our own fear of failure can back us into the corner and make us defensive or angry. (Personally, I tend to express this as impatience.)   While the tendency is to put up those protective walls, this is the time when we need to be more open to and accepting of others' insight, help and support.   Put the claws away.

3. Everyone has "customer service" in their job description, whether those customers are external clients or co-workers or family and friends. As tempting as it may be to focus on how annoying, stupid, random or arrogant (etc) some of those people may seem, we hold our own happiness and success hostage by indulging in judgment. Before reacting, I find it helpful to take a breath and ask myself, "What am I trying to accomplish with this interaction and what can I do to be most helpful towards that outcome?"

4. When we peel the paint off those walls of judgment, we will typically find a layer of insecurity and/or fear underneath. When I was a child, my mom told me that the kids who made fun of me only did it to feel better about themselves. I was a weird kid and I probably would have made fun of me too. But here's the truth: judging others is more a reflection of our own defects and usually makes us feel worse, not better.   In accepting, celebrating and investing positive energy in others, we generate more confidence in ourselves.

5. One of the many things I learned in the halls of AA with my first husband was, "Take your own inventory."   (See also: When you point a finger at someone else, there are three pointing back at you.) Continuing with the theme that one side of the wall of judgment is reflective, often those qualities which bother us most in others, are those which we possess ourselves.   Yet, while it's helpful to pay attention to those negative triggers, I personally feel that self-analysis is only truly helpful when it includes the good stuff too.   In accepting, celebrating and investing positive energy in ourselves, we generate more confidence in others.

Let's all look for opportunities to break down those walls and make more room to grow as individuals as well as in our relationships with those around us.

Increased confidence brings increased capacity.

Namaste,

Life Balance and Blogging - 10 Tips

2011-01-07T18:55:00.000-05:00

In conversations with other bloggers and wannabe's, two questions usually arise:

    * How do you find the time?
             * How do you get readers?

At a high level, I believe that the answer to those questions is the same as everything else in the great juggling act.

We need to prioritize and have a plan which includes confidence, effective actions and support.

To dig in a little deeper, here are 10 other tips on how to be a successful blogger and also make it work with life balance.

1. Define "success." Know why you are blogging and what your goals are, if any. For me, it's just the joy of writing and getting my message out there to help people. Therefore, I define success more by readership; by followers and comments rather than "traffic."   If your blog is monetized, you will probably care more about the latter. (And will likely be disappointed by my lack of focus here on such things as SEO and stat analytics.)

2. Set reasonable expectations for posting frequency.  While research shows that posting on a consistent schedule increases loyal readership, there is no rule that says more often is always better. Think quality over quantity. Consistency is more important than frequency.  As a side note, size matters. For a variety of reasons, posts between 300 - 800 words are ideal.

3. Set aside dedicated writing time.   Since I write on the weekends, this means getting agreement from my family for a couple hours of "quiet time." It also means dusty baseboards.   I could ask them to pick up the extra cleaning while I write, but I try to quit while I'm ahead.

4. Tell a story.  No matter what the content, make it relatable. When I first started writing about life balance, I thought my blog had to be a preachy "how to" guide. When I started connecting advice to real experiences, memories and mistakes, it was not only more fun but my follower base jumped 250% and I started getting many more comments. Apparently misery really does love company.

5. Take notes. Even if you are not writing every day, you can still be inspired 24/7. I've done everything from carrying a small notebook to recording voice messages on my phone to sending myself emails. Whatever works for you, find a method which allows you to capture that inspiration as soon as it comes into your brain and record it for later when you actually have time to use it.   Especially if you are over the age of 40. Or have given birth. I fall into both categories and I can tell you, the ol' memory just isn't what it used to be.

6. Find a community that "fits" you. There are lots of blog forums out there (just Google) but sometimes it takes a little trial and error to find the best for you.  Here's a tip: If you see more than one post on a page titled, "Follow me and I will follow you!" Don't walk. Run. But don't give up. Finding the one or two communities where you feel really connected and supported is critical to success.

7. Share the love.   Key in both life and blogging is putting out what we want back. Want people to read, comment and subscribe? Go forth to read, comment and subscribe. This is not the same as the cold, obligatory "Follow me and I'll follow back." This is about sharing genuine interest. Find other bloggers in your niche and/or to whom you can relate and leave them thoughtful comments.

8. Be "social" not "soapbox." Many blogging articles will give you lots of advice about ways to use Facebook, Twitter and other social networks to promote your blog. My added advice is instead of making it all about "Look at me! Read my blog!" post a status update or tweet to find out who else has a blog. Take the time to visit them and leave a thoughtful comment.  People are much more likely to travel back up a two-way street.

9. Multi-task. Whereas writing takes chunks of dedicated, focused time (for me anyway), the ancillary activities can be done in much smaller doses.   I respond to comments, check-in on my blog community and visit other blogs every day. Yet, I do these things for only moments at a time - usually while waiting for or doing other things. That way, it doesn't feel like "work."  I don't watch a lot of TV but when I do, I have my iPad in my hands and am promoting my blog during the commercials. (Go Top Chef All Stars!)

10. Let go of perfection.  This is especially true if you are one of those type A, "If I can't do it well, I won't do it at all" people. I say this with love since I am one of you: Get over it. Overthinking not only wastes time but greatly inhibits creativity.   If you are a newbie and it's the design which is holding you up, just start with one of the many templates out there. I've upgraded my design five times. Most likely what you start with won't be your final version either. The content is easily transferable from one design to another.   So, what are you waiting for?

If you have any specific questions about blogging or life balance, I'm happy to help. Just let me know.

Happy blogging!

Law of Attraction

2011-01-01T19:39:00.003-05:00

Not too long ago, I asked my amazing young daughter Miss M. what she thought was the key to being truly happy.

She shrugged and replied simply, "You just gotta focus on the good stuff and not the bad stuff."

Imagine that! Top selling books, critically acclaimed experts, numerous podcasts and more to describe the Law of Attraction, easily summarized in the words of a nine year old girl.

Most people have at least heard of "The Secret" by Rhonda Byrne. In earlier posts I mentioned Shakti Gawain who wrote about the same principles two decades ago with "Creative Visualization" (my personal favorite) and other books since then.

Although Miss M. actually said it more succinctly, this is the simple explanation I usually use:

Energy attracts like energy. Your thoughts, feelings and actions are energy. Therefore, you attract stuff into your life which is consistent with what you think, feel and do.

One saying which describes the concept quite well is, "If you meet more than two jerks in one day, chances are pretty good that you're one of them."

Oh come on now - you must know someone who just constantly complains about how rude everyone is to them, how things always seem to go wrong, how somehow life always manages to screw them in one way or another. They've spent so much energy bitching... that yeah, life is being a bitch right back.

Good luck not snickering the next time you talk to this person and start focusing on everything they say. (OMG - they are SO doing what Charlene said in her blog! It's true!!)

Yet, so as not to sound too judgmental... the reality is we ALL have our moments. I certainly do. It may be a particular commute or a temporary rut or really bad PMS. It helps me to be more aware by exploring these moments from mirror view. If I suddenly start to notice a string of bad luck or multiple irritations or whatever, I stop and think. "What have I been doing (or feeling/thinking) to create the negative energy which could possibly be attracting this crap?"

Today for example, I'll admit I'm feeling quite under the weather. I know that "germs happen" and am on board with the miracles of modern medicine. However, suddenly I'm aware of how many times in the past week I've said things like, "I'm SO tired." "Ugh, my head hurts." "I really don't want to be in the office right now."

So now I am more tired, my head hurts a LOT and I'm not in the office (because I'm sick.)

Before I even started to have any "symptoms" I was feeling worried and told several people, "Both my kids have been so sick... I hope I don't get sick. I really can't be sick right now."

The critics would say, "Well no duh - you got the sick germs from your kids. That's why you got sick." But trust me, I travel on airplanes and sleep in hotels where there are lots more icky, germy people spreading their slimy mucus and stuff all over items I end up touching. The only difference is I may not know it when I touch the "ick" of strangers. At least with my kids, I know to wash my hands after they sneeze on me or wipe their nose on my sleeve.

Then again -- I bet people who say, "I always get sick when I travel" actually do get sick when they travel.

The point is, energy only knows the object of what you put out there. So when I say, "I don't want to get sick," the law of attraction provides back the energy of sick. Sick. Sick. Sick.

Think of the drive-up window at your local pitstop as an example. My husband loves Wendy's cheeseburgers. He hates onions. (He also hates pepper and garlic; you'd never know he was Italian.) Literally every time he goes to the Wendy's drive-up, he says, "I'd like a cheeseburger with NO onions." 9 out of 10 times he gets a cheeseburger WITH onions. Often EXTRA onions.

In my husband's case the law of attraction may actually be in action since he is now pretty convinced that he will always get onions. It's a fast food conspiracy.

But really, I'm just using the drive-up window as a metaphor.

Another example is a dear friend who used to order her coffee this way: "I'd like a medium hazelnut hot coffee with milk - NO sugar."

You can see where this going right? Requested that way, she consistently received *...wait for it, wait for it...* yes, SUGAR in her coffee. And loads of it since the order taker heard the emphasis on "sugar" but not the word "no."

Now she orders it this way, "I'd like a medium hazelnut hot coffee, just milk." TAHDAH!

So there you go. That's my (actually Miss M's) sage advice for the day. Be aware of your thoughts, feelings and actions -- including your words. Put your energy into what you WANT.

Focus on the good stuff.

Happy New Year!
Charlene

When You Whine, You Get Nothing

2010-12-21T06:34:00.005-05:00

Recently I had a conversation with some friends about how the behavior of our children (and sometimes other people's) can affect our mental state and feeling of life balance.

The reality-laced joke is that they all send their kids to my house to experience what they call, "Auntie Charlene's Boot Camp."

Consider me the sarcastic, overworked, intolerant version of SuperNanny. I get results, even without an interesting accent. I swear you can get anyone to do anything in America with proper English diction.

In my domain, manners are non-negotiable. When one of my children says something like, "I'm thirsty," they are likely to get a response from me such as, "That sounds like a big problem."

Child: "I want a drink." Me: "Good luck with that."

Child: "Can I have a drink." Me: "No, thank you."

I keep my demeanor calm and dismissive. I don't explain, "You need to use your magic words." Certainly you'll never hear a sing-song voice come out of me chiding, "What do you saaaayyyy???" Just typing it makes me want to throw up a little.

My kids know the rules and there are no second chances. It's a simple formula which any child will learn remarkably quickly as long as you're steadfast and consistent.

Lack of "please" = request denied. Period.

Okay, so I'm a little mean. (Don't tell my kids; they have no idea.)

Healthy life balance includes setting boundaries. Funnily enough, kids prefer to have boundaries. Oh, they won't admit it but it's true.

Positive reinforcement is also really important. Even though they must say "please" and "thank you," I'm sure to give praise every single time they do.

Lots of energy to the behavior I want and as little as possible for the behavior I don't want. (Yes, it works with romantic partners too.)
.
Along those lines, we have another rule in my house which is, "When you whine, you get nothing."

My kids know without a shadow of a doubt that they will never get what they want (i.e. wear me down) by whining. If they lose their minds for a minute and start whining, they know at best they will be ignored.

At worst, especially if we're in public, I will start singing. I've said it before and it's true. Amazing how just a few bars of "I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy" in WalMart will make even the crankiest kids clam right up.

I'm counting on this being even more effective the closer my daughter gets to the teenage years. I may have to resort to the theme song from Barney for optimal results.

The axiom "when you whine, you get nothing" works for adults too. Life is so much more rewarding from the perspective of gratitude.

It's not always easy to live in a perpetual "no whining zone." Trust me, I know. But it's worth the effort.

Anytime you catch yourself being a Negative Nancy, just start singing "I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandeeeee...". And, smile.

Best,
Charlene

Five Holiday Stress Relievers

2010-12-11T14:07:00.007-05:00

My sister called me this morning and told me she needed some of that "work/life balance stuff." Sick kid, broken computer, school deadlines, rude Starbucks clerk, yada, yada, yada. Yikes - poor thing was ready to go right over the edge.

As I told her that true life balance is internal, I realised I was reminding myself of these words as much as I was saying them to her.

"Dude, we gotta pay even more attention to what's happening on the inside when clearly we have no control over the madness around us."

Still, the holidays are practically synonymous with the "slippery slope."   So many potential pitfalls. Nevermind the usual stress of work, school and home. (Does anyone take a vacation anymore?) Now there are shopping crowds, poorly timed man colds, holiday traffic, cooking nightmares, screaming kids who are not yours so you can't beat them (j/k), too many dysfunctional family members in one place at one time.

Let's face it - crazy is the gift that keeps on giving!

All this in mind, last year I wrote this list of things which can help anyone stay cool as a cucumber over the next couple of weeks. Cuz ya know, Santa would probably frown upon us taking a hostage or something.

1. Attitude of Gratitude. Thank you. Thank You. Thank You. Say it early and often. Another thing I've been working on is when someone says "thank you," to respond with "my pleasure." Okay, so I got this from the mom on 19 Kids & Counting. It's still valid. Try it.

2. Square Breathing. This is one of my favorite stress relievers. Breathe in for four slow counts (1....2....3....4). Hold the breath for four slow counts (1....2....3....4). Breathe out for four slow counts (1....2....3....4). Hold for four slow counts (1....2....3....4).    Do this cycle several times until the urge to scream goes away.    Keep it calm and slow. If you find yourself breathing in and out too quickly, count to eight. Hyperventilating and passing out is not the goal. No blue people.

3. Heart Glow. Another meditative technique which I love, love, love.   Close your eyes. Take slow, deep, calm breaths.  As you breathe in, imagine a little glow in your chest near your heart. Like a pilot light or the flame of a match. As you breathe out, picture the light getting bigger. As it grows, imagine feelings of peace and happiness also growing. Keep breathing as the light and happiness fills your whole body. Then, the glow completely surrounds you. Finally, imagine that you are a beacon of light and happiness radiating out into the world.   Rinse. Repeat.

4. Smile Dammit! Go ahead. Turn that frown upside down. Smiling has been called "free therapy." There is a scientific theory that smiling actually "provides enough peripheral information to drive positive emotional experience." Basically, faking it helps make it. For me, it also helps me if I see other people smiling and laughing, especially my kids. So give a tickle, tell a joke, sit on a whoopee cushion. Yuck it up. It's all good.

5. Let Go & Grow. Send that inner control freak on vacation. If you've ever planned any big occasion or event, you should know by now that things often don't go as planned. I tend to be overly organized as a coping mechanism. So when someone messes with my best laid plans, I really have to remind myself to go with the flow.

The bottom line is this:
       Regardless of religious beliefs, holidays are about being together, appreciating, enjoying and rejoicing. Getting all stressed out somewhat defeats the purpose, right?

Wishing you health, happiness & prosperity!
Best,
Charlene

Celebrating Kindred Spirits

2010-11-25T08:14:00.005-05:00

Ever since my awkward pre-teen years when I first read Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery, I've been a huge fan of of the book series.

Don't worry - this post isn't a 1908 book review. We'll get to the life balance stuff.

Anne (with an "E") reminded me of both who I was and who I wanted to be. Like Anne, I was peculiar, curious, imaginative and chatty. My "Diana Barry" was my best friend Lisa who had similar qualities but in ways which flattered her like a perfectly fitted frock, much unlike the odd shift of characteristics which hung around me, just slightly "off."

Still, we had great fun. I used to imagine that Anne, Diana, Lisa and I would meet in some wrinkle in time (another one of my favorite books) and play together. Kindred spirits.

Something about Thanksgiving breeds this kind of nostalgia. Basking in gratitude inevitably leads to thinking about the kindred sprits of our lives.

Like my dear ol' dad.

He was kindhearted and gentle by nature but never a pushover, and certainly no saint.   Once, after unsuccessfully trying to return defective software, my father went back to the store, very calmly put the box on the counter, looked the salesclerk in the eye and told him where to put it. Then he left the store with a smile, considering it a well-spent $20 for the final satisfaction.

Last Thanksgiving, dad was sitting in my kitchen eating dates with cream cheese and chuckling at my awful jokes. He had snuck out before dawn to the 24-hour store to get some last minute ingredients I had been fretting about, saving me an extra trip on a busy day.   He filled my house with an easy presence and a great wit which made everything lighter somehow.

I find myself scanning the recalled details of that visit for any sign that he would not be with us today. It was as unimaginable then as it is now.

Even seven months after his death, there's still a part of me which expects him to come walking out of the guest bedroom any minute now and say, "How ya doin' little kid?"

Ironically, I had somehow blocked out the part of the story in Anne when her dear adopted father Matthew Cuthbert dies suddenly. Until now. I guess that makes Anne and I kindred spirits in more ways than one then.

Still, Thanksgiving is supposed to be a happy occasion.

If I have a life balance strategy to share on this day, it's inspired by Anne as well as my dear ol' dad:

Be a kindred spirit. When you find yourself getting stressed and focusing on all the little crazy details, remember that what's important is connecting with people.

Find ways of making your shared space happier and lighter.   Be easier on yourself and everyone around you.

Happy Thanksgiving,

PS: I love you Daddy.

The "You Can Totally Wear That Again!" Fitness Plan

2010-11-06T22:38:00.016-04:00

So, my older sister is doing P90X now. In search of motivation, she did a web search for photos and experiences and landed on my blog of all places. Small world.

It's amazing to me that my "day one" of this fitness program was right after Thanksgiving almost a full year ago. As I think of this, I feel slightly guilty that my maintenance hasn’t been better. Sure, I've been jumping on the treadmill here and there. I'm still eating a mainly vegetarian diet. Though I've gained, I'm still within five pounds of my "ideal weight".

But do I look like my "after" pics anymore? Um... Not so much.

It's not an excuse given that I'm supposed to be good at the whole "life balance" thing, but somehow I just lost steam after my dad passed away in April of this year.

The easy thing is always to blame work and being busy and life demands. Yet, I know it's primarily mental. Emotional maybe. In either case, I've been in my own way more than anything external I can name.

To snap me out of my slump, I recently found out that I am going to be a bridesmaid in a wedding very soon. On New Years Day, I will be required to wear a fitted, strapless, cornflower blue taffeta dress.

God help me.

Mind you, I'm not complaining about the dress. It's lovely. These things just are what they are. I deserve much worse for making my maid of honor wear that awful, super shiny satin, bright hunter green off-the-shoulder number.

It must be a similar phenomenon to how new moms always think their wee babies are beautiful. Or, how people in love think they are invisible.

Brides mean well when they say, "You can totally wear that again!" But let's face it; the bridal attendants are just there to make the real star of the event look good.

Anyhoo, the bottom line is that this wedding is less than two months away and I am soooo not in "gala" shape.

Provided I don't need to breathe or anything, there are undergarment options which may somewhat disguise my recent laziness. However, I'm still concerned that my arms will look like two tubes of marshmallow oozing out of the top of my bedazzled gown.

Time to get off my blumpy and motivate.

In the spirit of practicing what I preach, here's my plan per Personal Strategic Management...

Internal:
   1. I will affirm and encourage myself towards good health and energy. I will be positive and confident.

   2. I will monitor my thoughts and words. If I catch myself saying or thinking things like "I feel fat" or "I'm so tired", I will immediately reframe thoughts and words to the positive.

   3. I will meditate daily to keep myself balanced, keep my stress at bay and attract my goal. (The very simple pink bubble technique is one of my favorites.)

External:
   1. I will exercise at least 45 min per day, six times per week; alternating cardio and strength training.

   2. I will eat a healthy, balanced diet with special caution towards sodium and sugar intake.

   3. I will record my food/drink and fitness in MyNetDiary.

Support:
   1. I will ask my husband and kids to help out more so I have more time/energy to put towards my workouts and food prep. (They also need to hide the Halloween candy.)

   2. I will write about my journey and progress here over the next several weeks.

   3. I will leverage my membership with the online community at BeachBody.

Anyone else looking to achieve a fitness or weight loss goal before the New Year?

What is your Internal/External/Support plan?

Best,

Open House - Come On In!

2010-10-29T07:00:00.047-04:00

I've already exposed the guilty secret that I very much enjoy reality television shows. I know, I know. Trust me - anything you are thinking, my husband has already expressed with reproach. Multiple times. Usually while I am actually trying to hear who is the next great whatever, who is being voted off or who is not there to make friends.

As I bask in the swirliness of my brand-spankin' new blog design, I can just hear the voices of the What Not To Wear co-hosts Stacy & Clinton haunting me.

"It doesn't have to match. It just has to go."

Knowing things are intentionally now a little matchy-matchy here, I'm counting on it being a rule only applicable to fashion design and not to blog design. (Oy - I can't even type the words "matchy-matchy" without hearing the voice of Michael Kors re: Project Runway in my head.)

Clearly there are hours of my life I will never get back from those shows. The next time I use the excuse "no time," feel free to remind me of this. That goes for you too.

Anyhoo....

Welcome to my new space!

For those of you who are relative newcomers, I thought this might be a good time to give a bit of a tour. If you are an email or feed subscriber, you may need to clickety-click into The Balance Beam to get the full effect.

Whether I'm writing about life or balance (or both), the posts which seem to resonate most with people are those which connect on some emotional level. Sure, tips and tricks are nice.... But I think people most remember the stuff which creates a visceral reaction.

To that end, here are a few bits to evoke something and provide a peek into my personal corner of the blogosphere. (Click on the post titles to view.)

Laugh

~ 10 Tips for Surviving a High School Reunion ~

Advice for all, but you really need this if you are going to your partner's reunion.

Cry

~ It Will Never Get Easier ~

Dedicated to anyone who has ever lost someone they love to cancer.

Point & Laugh

~ Laughing at Myself ~

Hopefully it's a sign of personal growth that I can not only share but "reshare"
one of my most embarrassing moments.

Cringe

~ Potty Talk ~

I swore I'd never be one of those mommies who talks about their kids poop,
but here ya go.

Relax

~ Overwhelmed Much? Here's a Tip ~

Feeling the stress of too much to do? Read this now; thank me later.

There's also a handy "Past Posts" section and a "Labels" tool on the sidebar if you want to be extra nosy. Please, be extra nosy.

Thanks so much!

Oh - and if you're a fellow blogger and want to leave me your blog link with your comment, I'll be sure to swing by your place as well!

A Little Less Talkin' and a Lot More Action

2010-10-22T17:06:00.010-04:00

Thanks to everyone who commented and emailed me with their goals. Big or small, it seems we all have some lingering thing on our life "to do" list.  It begs the question, how do we actually DO it?"

How do we get from "I really need to start working out" to actual sweat?

         How do we get from "I really need to get going on this book proposal" to seeing words organized on a page?

    How do we get from the intention of whatever that thing is we want/need/been meaning to do, to making it actually happen?

Okay, so we've established that it's not easy. Whether it's finishing a scrapbook or taking charge of our health, it can be really hard to get our arses in gear.   We say "no time" but of course that's a fake objection. This is evidenced by the fact that we make time for other people and tasks.

I'll cop to it. Even within the past week, I've been complaining about not having enough time to work on this blog. And yet somehow I've managed to help two friends with their blogs.

I know I'm not alone. I'm surrounded by "givahs" and I bet you're one of them too.

So back to question: How do we get past the talking (or whining or postponing) to the actual doing?

Going back to my Personal Strategic Management approach, I believe the key is focusing on three steps. My goal this week was to do the whole "practice what you preach" thing. It works and it can even be fun. No, really!

Here are the steps:

1. Internal
       * Transform thoughts, feelings, words, feeding only positive energy.
       * Visualize yourself at your goal and believe it will be done.

2. External
        * Engage in the actions which will get you to your goal.
        * Focus on making the right choices and acknowledge yourself for doing so.

3. Support
        * Ask for help.
        * Feedback, physical assistance, accountability and/or just the time and space for #1 & 2 to be possible are all critical elements to success.

For most folks, once we get inspired into action, the tendency is to only do #2. "Just do it!" and all that.

The thing is, it's just not enough to make the effort sustainable. The actions are very important; life is about choices afterall. However, we must have alignment and energy from the inside-out as well as support from the outside-in get us to long-lasting success.

So, now think of that thing you want to accomplish and map out what you will start to do differently to get to that goal: internal, external and support.

Surround that goal and conquer it!

Carpe diem,
Charlene

All Foam, No Beer

2010-10-07T08:14:00.011-04:00

In thinking more about the two events I attended last week, an old saying came to mind:

    "In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice... but in practice there is."

In other words, there is a huge distinction between talking about problems and solutions vs. actually taking action. Even harder, executing the right actions which lead to successful outcomes.

Personally, I spent two decades of my professional career talking about the greatness of "stuff" without having to worry about the execution. Yep, sales.   Baddabing. Baddaboom.  A lucrative career from making promises on which other people had to deliver.

Several years ago, a true ~~snake oil salesman~~ visionary convinced me of the value in the theory of this great new thing.  A thing which could change the world. He offered me a "sales gig" with promises of grandeur. I bought it hook, line and sinker. I made the most significant career move of my life.

But there was no thing. I had to create the thing. And then sell it.

Then, I had to figure out how to actually deliver it and make sure it worked.   Not just sales... but product development and execution.

My new mantra became, "Shoot me. Shoot me now."

Luckily it all worked out and the thing has become a resounding success. Never you mind about all that blood, sweat and tears. Okay, no blood.  (Well, maybe almost.) But it was worth it.

Even better, I now get to work with an amazing team of people who also saw the vision in the thing and worked (are still working) their arses off as well. They totally rock.

The point is, it takes work to get beyond the theory. It takes action and energy to make a difference.

Whether it's a personal goal or starting a business; talking about how much we believe in something or even want to do it, won't make it so.

Remember my P90X quote from Tom Kinsman:
     "Successful people do the things that people who aren't successful won't do."

The reason why not everyone does the work is because the work is hard.   It's a lot easier to talk about that great new exercise program or an inspiring theory or a cool self-help book.

Basking in theory is even more fun in groups. "Hey - we should start a walking club! Let's talk about it over lunch!"

Of course, I say all of this without judgment as it's something I have to really work on in my own life.    If I were better at taking action, I would have finished my book by now. I would have been a keynote speaker at one of those events last week instead of sitting in the audience thinking about what I want to be when I grow up.

Practicing what you preach sure is a b*tch.

One of the more inspiring people I met last week sent me this great quote from the movie Scent of a Woman where Al Pacino says, "I've been at the crossroads in my life and I knew what the right road was; without question I knew. But, I didn't take it. Know why? It was just too, damn, hard."

So what's your crossroads? What is the thing you've been talking about but not actually doing? What have you been "meaning to do"?

Stay tuned,
Charlene

What is Your Passion?

2010-10-04T21:44:00.001-04:00

I've been slightly MIA in the blogosphere for the past week or so. You noticed right? Right?

Oh well. Anyway, I've been traveling and working pretty solidly for the past eight days straight. Reminiscent of my circus days, I did two conferences in one week. Both were on the opposite coast and both required schedules which started with breakfast, ended with after-dinner cocktails and offered few breaks in between. Both involved meetings, filling my brain with information and much "networking."

And yet, these two "events" were also very different.

In a nutshell, I spent the first half of the week talking about the "state of the state," how messed up certain things are in business and the theory about what smart people and companies will work towards.

I answered the question, "What do you do?" roughly 134 times.

The second half of the week was spent in collaborative discussion about the solutions to some of these major ~~problems~~ opportunities.

I answered (and asked) the question, "What are you about?" exactly 58 times.

It may seem subtle but the difference is light years. At this moment, I find myself wishing I wasn't so damned jetlagged and could find a way to eloquently describe all the subtle (and not so subtle) differences in greater detail.

However, this does not diminish my desire to share this great energy with you. Put it in a bottle and save it up. In case of emergency, break glass.

Anytime you need a little boost, just ask someone to share their personal dreams with you.

Ask them, "What are you passionate about?"

It's amazing what comes out! Personally I think it's impossible not to "catch" the enthusiasm of someone talking about something which makes them truly excited to be alive.

This experience also really emphasized for me what I am passionate about. Being here with you! Personal Stategic Management. My desire and ability to help people find true life balance from the inside out.

I feel so completely inspired and motivated by the people with whom I've interacted over the past few days. It's like discovering a roadmap to a better place where the journey is as great as the destination. I am so grateful and excited.... Stay tuned!

Carpe diem!
Charlene

Overwhelmed Much? Here's a Tip...

2010-09-16T23:41:00.007-04:00

Yesterday I got a phone call from my older sister Tina, who now lives in Alabama.  Despite not getting too many breaks in life, she really is amazing. In addition to being a single mom, having given birth to ger first child at the young age of 42, she also has a demanding full-time job and is working on a degree through the University of Phoenix.

I barely got out a “hello” when she started reading me her current assignment, a tinge of desperation in her voice.  Feeling overwhelmed, she wasn't sure she understood the question -- let alone the solution. Yet, pretty quickly I was to help her break the problem down into manageable bits, find her confidence and realise she actually knew the answers.

I have to admit that it’s somewhat gratifying when Tina calls me asking for homework advice. Growing up, she was “cool.” Me? Um, not so much. I was a Glee kid. It makes me happy when my geekiness adds value.

Despite being considered a few fries short of a Happy Meal when we were kids, the truth is that my sister is smart.

I’ll never forget when Tina first moved down south from Boston. She called home after being there maybe two weeks.   In her quickly adopted southern drawl she explained, “All these years everyone told me I was slow. Turns out, I was just born in the wrong part of the country.”

In our conversation yesterday, she also shared that she's trying to figure out how to best balance motherhood, work, school and her own wellness.

I live for these conversations of course. (Thus, the blog. Hello.)

Let's discuss...

- Have you ever felt overwhelmed?

- Have you become controlled by endless to-do lists?
- Do you worry that maybe you can't do it all?

- Do you sometimes wonder if everyone else around you is completely oblivious?

- Have you ever hoped that someone else might actually appreciate that you are doing it all?

Like with Tina's homework assignment, sometimes we just need a manageable view of what is in front of us and the belief in ourselves that we can do it. (Perspective, prioritization, confidence...yada, yada, yada.)

However, lately I've been really focused on that last question about appreciation. Sometimes the truth hurts. Whether it’s our kids or our partner or our boss; the reality is that they really don’t have a full appreciation for what we do every flippin’ day.

Hey - it's our own fault. We do way too much for everyone else and make it look too damn easy to boot.   Can we really complain about people crossing boundaries which we've neglected to set?
It's only natural that people take for granted what they’ve come to expect as the status quo.

Oh, they will say they appreciate you.   My husband (and my kids and my boss) might actually be offended at the insinuation that they don't appreciate me.

If you ask me if I appreciate having electricity, I would say “yes.” Of course I do honey.

But the truth is that on a day-to-day basis, I've taken for granted that the lights come on, the fridge keeps food cold and the toilet flushes.

UNTIL 70 mph winds come through and rip down the power lines so all of that is gone for two days, such as happened in my neighborhood this past weekend. Yikes.

Your life balance lesson for today is ridiculously simple: DO LESS.

This means setting boundaries before your sanity blows away to the Land of Oz. (And, before you become the Wicked Witch of the Western hemisphere.)

As soon as you have the sense that you’re doing way too much and you are losing that precious inner balance – trust that feeling and make a change. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Whining doesn’t count. (Did somebody call a waaa-mbulance?)

We’re "doing it all" because we’ve created that pattern.   But why? Why oh why have we gotten ourselves into this unmanageable situation?   More importantly, how do we get out of it?

Here are three myths which get us into trouble at both work and home:

   1. If I want it done right, I have to do it myself. You know that whole confidence = capacity thing I am always blathering on about? That applies to our confidence in others as well. The people in our lives are way more capable than we give them credit for. Stop being such a freakin' control freak.

   2. If I admit I can’t do it all, they won’t love me. Attention fellow perfectionists and over-achievers: There is no one on this earth holding you anywhere near the standard to which you are holding yourself. Let it go.

   3. If I don’t do it, nobody will. The main reason nobody else is doing it, is because you are. Unfortunately, the idea of just not doing it and seeing if anyone will pick up the slack doesn't work. (I tried going on "strike" from doing laundry once; my husband just started buying new clothes.)   Sadly, if you want others to take over some stuff, you will need to ask them to do it. If you're thinking, “I shouldn’t need to ask.” Get over it. You do.

Rest assured that when you start setting boundaries, you may meet resistance for obvious reasons. Or not. I have definitely been surprised before. (See #1)

Bottom line is to tune in and know when what you are doing is not sustainable. Although most likely you created it, know that it is also within your power to make it better.

Best,
Charlene

My Life Does Not Make Your Butt Look Big

2010-09-15T05:00:00.002-04:00

October 2009

This is a topic which really seemed to resonate in one of my recent speaking engagements. Let's discuss.

So... I discovered an interesting dynamic when I was doing the Quantum Wellness Cleanse* this past summer.

It's like the cellulite on my backside; it's always been there, but I have to be in just the right position to get a good look at it. And, wow... so not pretty.

What I'm talking about is the reaction we often get from others when we're trying to change ourselves for the better.

Maybe you've recently started working out or eating differently or trying different parenting techniques or you're becoming more organized.

Hopefully, you do have some people in your life which are genuinely happy for you. However, sometimes even the most supportive feedback is laced with an undertone of, "Yeah...so... um... good luck with that."

Some people may even be downright rude. Oh, I've heard it all.

It's mind-boggling how our personal habits can strike such a nerve with people. I'm still amazed at the crazy negative reactions I get when I talk about my eating habits or my 5am wake up time or my P90X experience.

When I first started noticing these reactions, I have to admit that I felt very defensive. Offended even.

But then I figured it out.

I realised that they're not judging me. Well, they are -- but mainly because they think I am judging them. Meanwhile, they are actually judging themselves.

Stick with me here.

When I say, "I am doing this thing because I want to feel healthier....etc... etc..." what they hear is, "YOU should be healthier. YOU should exercise more. YOU should be vegetarian. YOU are a big mess!"

In my mind, my choices have nothing to do with them. In their mind, it does. By talking about what I am doing to invest in my own wellness, I am somehow forcing their own exploration into how they view and treat themselves.

It's sad but true -- most people would rather be in denial.

One of the reasons I find this all so fascinating is because it highlights yet another reason why change is so flippin' hard. Sometimes the only person who wants you to change is you.

Life lesson of the day: Do what you know is good for you and don't let the reactions of others sway your resolve.

How other people react is more a reflection of their insecurities vs. your efforts to improve yourself.

What I've also learned is that most of the time we have to ASK for what we need in terms of support. I know some of you are saying, "I shouldn't need to ask." Get over it. You do.

Anytime you need extra encouragement and support, come see me here at The Balance Beam. This is officially a "no judgment zone." *big welcoming smile*

Take care of yourself!

*The Quantum Wellness Cleanse is program by Kathy Freston which involves increased awareness of eating and health. It also eliminates alcohol, caffeine, sugar, gluten and animal products for 21-days. I recommend it! Check out my archives for my day-by-day experience. (No compensation received - it's just great!)

I Know He's a Jerk but I Love Him

2010-09-13T05:00:00.016-04:00

February 2009
One thing you'll learn about me is that I travel a lot for business. On every flight, there’s the part where the flight attendant tells us that if the oxygen mask comes down, to put our own mask on first and then help others with their masks.

I love flying Southwest when they say, “If you have more than one child, now is a good time to pick a favorite.” But I digress.

We probably all know someone who is living the equivalent of slowly suffocating to death while they hold the oxygen mask onto someone else’s face. They constantly do for others before themselves to the point of exhaustion, frustration or even depression.

A key component of my Personal Strategic Management methodology is that YOU are the central point of energy.

YOU are the CRITICAL CORE.

YOU have the find the energy source within yourself and nurture that to the point that no matter what else is going on around you, you will survive and thrive. This is not only possible but absolutely vital if you are going to love this limited and undetermined time on earth.

For my martyrs out there… no matter how much you think your purpose in life is to help everyone around you, what I’m telling you is the absolute truth. If you turn blue, everyone else is screwed.

(** OVERSHARE WARNING**) Here’s a little story about how I started figuring this out:

It was the early `90’s and I was married to my first husband. He was an alcoholic with multiple other addictions. Let’s call him “Jim.” Admittedly I came into the marriage with a self-storage bin of emotional baggage and no key. But Jim was also a professional manipulator. No matter what he did or what we fought about, I’d end up apologizing. My self-esteem at an all time low, Jim had me convinced that if I left him I’d be alone forever because no one else would want me.

Eventually I started seeking support in a quest to change my reality. To be honest, what I was searching for was how to change him.

I proclaimed, “I know he’s a jerk, but I love him!”

I resisted the unsympathetic feedback I received, particularly from a counselor who often reminded me, “Um, yeah… but he’s still a jerk. Just so you know, that part probably won’t change.”

One day I was sitting in a Friendly’s restaurant commiserating with a friend from Al-Anon about how different my life would be if only Jim would stop doing what he was doing and if only he would go to therapy and if only he would do x, y, z.

I recited scripts of carefully crafted conversations I would conduct to make him wake up and finally admit, “Oh wow – I’m so sorry. I’m SUCH a jerk.”

I was desperately trying to get some sense of control. I was convinced that my happiness depended upon having a happy marriage and that to have that, Jim would need to get with the program.

My Friendly's friend who was herself a “recovered codependent” patiently listened to me cry and rant and ramble.

Finally she took a last sip of coffee, pointed to a server nearby and said, “Do you see that waitress?”

“Yes,” I nodded.

“Do you think you have any control over what she thinks or feels or what she is going to do after work?” my friend asked.

Of course I acknowledged I had no control over the waitress whatsoever.

She continued, “So what makes you think you have any more control over Jim, than you do of that waitress?”

I think about what she said next constantly:

“The only person you can control and are guaranteed to be with twenty four hours a day, seven days a week, for the rest of your life, is YOU. You better make damn sure you are happy with that person. If you’re not, you don't have a chance in hell at true happiness.”

Okay, so I know some of you are thinking, “Take care of you. No kidding. I already learned that from Oprah.”

But just think about it. What's the external thing in your life that you secretly feel is keeping you from being as happy as you could be? Maybe your job or your boss is the problem? Maybe this "difficult economic climate" is the problem? Your mother-in-law? Your teenager?

It is possible to get to a place where no matter what our expectations are of those around us or our external situation, we have the ability to be content. From that place of balance, we are better able to positively affect our own lives and the world around us from the inside out.

True life balance is internal.

Carpe diem,
Charlene

Warn the Neighbors - It's Back2Blogging Time!

2010-09-12T14:39:00.003-04:00

Over the next several days, I'll be participating in an event called "Back to Blogging" along with all my fabulous SITStahs .

I am determined to be more diligent with this challenge than the last couple I kinda sorta tried to do.

In addition to lots of other rules that I am sure not to remember, there is some specified blogging we need to do each day. In line with my own life balance strategy, I am going to follow the KISS principle (Keep It Simple Stupid) and just focus on the writing assignments.  This may ruin my chances to win the Electrolux washer and dryer which is up for grabs, but hopefully the exercise will still be interesting for y'all.

So... here is what you have to ~~put up with~~ look forward to over the next week or so:

    * Monday, September 13: I must re-post the first thing I ever wrote on my blog.

     * Tuesday, September 14: I must re-post a piece I wish more people had read and explain why it was important to me.

    * Wednesday, September 15: I must re-upload a post with a title that I am particularly proud of and explain why.

     * Thursday, September 16: I must write a new post about a woman who inspires me.

    * Friday, September 17: I must write about what blogging means to me. Why do I blog? What purpose does it serve me and how have I benefited from sharing a piece of myself online this way?

If you are a fellow blogger, feel free to play along and leave a link to your post in the comments.   I'll be sure to check out your posts as well!

Enjoy!
Charlene

Winning the Game (Set & Match) of Life

2010-09-04T16:24:00.010-04:00

Did I mention that my work commute is 50 miles each way?  It's a journey that can take an hour or two or three. It all depends on day, time, weather, and how much the universe wants to screw with me at any particular moment.

Thank goodness for podcasts. I have a few special favorites:
     * Get-It-Done Guy
     * Grammar Girl
     * Car Talk
     * NPR Fresh Air (as well as All Things Considered, This American Life, etc.)
     * The Onion Radio News

My fabulous pod friends help pass the time whilst also teaching me how to "work less and do more" and how not to butcher the English language.  (Mind you I am known to break the rules intentionally. Creative license and all that.) Thanks to podcasts, I also know what to do when my 'check engine' light comes on and am fairly current on the world around me, both real and satirical.

It's a beautiful thing indeed. Particularly since drinking while driving is illegal.  I need something to keep my mind off the long parade of brake lights, horn honking and other related annoyances.

So, yesterday I was wading in an endless sea of cars, all also heading north for the long Labor Day weekend. I found myself fantasizing about a world where there is a "fast lane" for people who actually need to get home vs. those who are in no real hurry except to swim, cook meat and drink beer all weekend.

I'll admit it. I struggled to stay in my happy place. I'm only human ya know.

Luckily, Terry Gross at NPR came to my rescue with a Fresh Air rebroadcast. Perhaps technically a rebroadcast podcast; a 2009 interview with Andre Agassi. (I'm tempted to clarify "the tennis star" after his name but seriously, who doesn't know that?)

Although I never read his memoir Open, I remember the swirl around the drugs, the pain and the myriad of relationships, including his overly-driven father and one Blue Lagoon actress. And of course, the hairpiece which always makes me think of Gallagher, who had a similar pseudo-coiffure.

In retrospect, I may have even heard this specific interview when it aired the first time. The ol' brain cells just aren't what they used to be so it's hard to say for sure.

Yet, one piece of the conversation really piqued my interest this time around. (This is not to be confused with having my interest "peaked" or "peeked." Thanks Grammar Girl!)

Agassi was talking about his coach, Gil, whom he described as both his physical trainer and his "soul trainer."  (Love that!) Early on, Gil questioned why Andre was doing the kind of training he was doing. Specially, why he was running five miles a day when the game of tennis was about constant starting and stopping; a totally different set of skills and muscle conditioning.   Gil got him to start focusing on working the muscles and skills which were in alignment with the game he wanted to win.

It made me think about the kind of fitness conditioning I do every day. (Yes, I am using the phrase "every day" very loosely.) Does my workout routine align with the needs of my life? I don't play tennis or any sport for that matter but even normal life has physical demands.    For example, I need to have enough energy to work 15 hours straight if needed, be able to sit without back pain for long periods of time and lift / carry a fifty pound child. Sometimes two.

I also have this weird goal to live and enjoy said heavy children for as many years as possible.

To achieve my goals, I clearly need to engage in activities which build endurance, core strength and overall health.

Although Agassi was talking about physical conditioning, you don't have to be Oprah to make the connection about how this applies to the mental, spiritual and emotional as well.

In my life balance methodology, "Personal Strategic Management" my mantra is that true life balance is internal.

That means that my thoughts, words and actions all need to be in alignment.   For example, if I exercise an hour a day but then look in the mirror and say, "Holy crap, my legs look like cottage cheese!" or "I am SO tired. Look at these bags!" Not in alignment.

It's kinda like drinking a diet coke with a donut.

Tying it back to the Agassi thing... what I say, think and feel has to be working towards the "muscle tone" of my mental health and happiness, in the same way that my fitness routine needs to meet the physical demands of my life.

So, food for thought:
   Do the activities you engage in every day support your mental, physical, emotional, spiritual goals?
   Do your thoughts, feelings, words and actions put you in the position to win at the game of life?

Carpe diem,
Charlene

There's No Place Like Home

2010-08-26T12:20:00.008-04:00

This week's travels took me to Kansas by way of Kansas City, Missouri.

As a kid, I was so confused by the fact that Kansas City is not the capital of Kansas. Not even in Kansas for that matter.

I remember telling the teacher defiantly, "That would be like New York City being the capital of Connecticut!"

Just not right, I tell ya. Just not right.

On the plus side, I was always able to remember that the capital of Kentucky was Frankfort. See, "frankfort" reminded me of frankfurters (hot dogs) which reminded me of Kentucky Fried Chicken. Frankfurters, Kentucky. Who could forget that?  (I was a twisted kid, what can I say?)

On one of my previous business trips I wrote about the Alamo for no other reason than I was there.  Clearly I need more hobbies when I am challenging myself to write a blog post tying life balance to the battle at the Alamo.    (Okay, so I'm still twisted.)

So, there I was sitting in the lobby of my Kansas hotel waiting for my ride to the client site.  Knowing I wanted to do some blogging during my trip, I passed the time trying to come up with a good writing challenge.

Something about Kansas. Hmmm...   The Wizard of Oz.   Of course! There must be a way to tie life balance to such a great, iconic story.

Too bad I'm not staying in Wichita, I thought. Wicked Wichita. Wichita of the West. The Good Wichita.    My mind searches for more ideas.    What else?

Trying not to let my inner brainstorm die down, my eyes scan the room for inspiration. It's a standard issue Marriott.

I got nuthin.

My co-worker arrives with rental car keys in hand. "Me" time is officially over. I give up with a sigh and reach down to pick up my computer bag.

My eyes lock on my shoes. My red shoes. My ruby red, I'm-not-even-kidding-you, pointy toe, patent leather shoes. In my mind it is a totally amazing fluke that I am in Kansas wearing my ruby red pumps. What are the chances?

But what I think of next (after I snap a quick picture; see right), is that these are my 10-year old Miss M's favorite shoes. And I have a lot of shoes.

She calls them my "fabulous" shoes.

For the rest of the day, whenever I got a pang of stress or fatigue I just looked at my shoes, thought of Miss M and let the joy of her spirit wash over me.

"There's no place like home," I thought and chuckled inside. My own little private joke kept me company and kept me smilin'.

When I finally got home after several hours of planes, trains and automobiles, I told Miss M. about my trip and the fabulous shoes in the land of Oz.

Without skipping a beat she said, "Mom - you could have gotten home so much sooner if you had just clicked your heels!"

Not sure if my fabulous shoes will be the thing to put Delta Airlines out of business, but it's a great reminder that home is always just one thought away.

Best,
Charlene

Got Stress? Take Five.

2010-08-22T11:16:00.006-04:00

Whew - what a week! In addition to the usual stuff with work, travels, house repairs, getting the kids ready for school (etc etc), I started my second round of P90X and am also looking at my own next educational adventure. Crazy land!

When things get especially hectic, it helps me to have a few mantras that I can quickly pull out of the mental toolbox. Some days I may sound like a broken record but these are the basics which keep that "overwhelmed" feeling away. Balance from the inside --> out and all that.

As we prepare for the new week ahead, I thought I would make some of these mantras handy:

1. This is not life or death. I use this at the office a lot. Whenever I need to talk someone off a ledge at work, I remind them (and/or myself) that we are not doing brain surgery. Personally, this reminder helps me keep things in perspective. Sometimes we make little things far bigger than they deserve. So not worth it. (My experience in Cannes helped me learn this.)

2. This too shall pass. Sometimes you may feel like you won't live through certain situations. But you will. (Well, most likely... unless you are going in for brain surgery and your doctor ascribes to philosophy #1.) I just think of all the other crap I've survived which is now a mere memory. This will pass. The good times pass too so this is also a great gratitude reminder.

3. I choose. While we do not have any control over other people, places or things, we do have control over our reactions and (to some extent) our feelings about what happens around us. Still, when I feel like I'm giving way to much power to others to the detriment of my own sanity, I take that power back. I choose peace, health and happiness. Very Oprah, I know.

4. Put it in a bubble. Sometimes, in order to get to #3 we have to let go. Put it in a bubble and let it float away. This is in the category of "it is what it is." You can also sweep it or flush it. As an admitted over-thinker, this is an important one for me.

5. It's five o'clock somewhere. Hey, we all have our vices. Whatever works.

Hope you all have a GREAT week. Let me know if you have any other favorite sanity-saving sayings!

Best,

Charlene

Photo taken behind my house - love the rainbow!

Up in the Air Bender

2010-08-14T12:40:00.038-04:00

As some of you know, my work requires a fair amount of travel. The downside of course, is being away from my family. Apart from that, I have to admit that I kinda love it.

One would think that after more than thirteen years of planes, trains and automobiles my travel glow would have faded. Okay, so the driving I could live without. But I actually enjoy airports, especially when I am traveling alone.

What's not to love?
      - The usually free Wi-Fi, though suddenly a non-issue thanks to my brand new iPad.
      - People watching; I could spend hours creating stories of others' lives.
      - A blissful sense of solitude, despite the crowds. This may surprise you but I am so NOT a chatty Cathy when I travel. It's a relief to rest my mind and voice for a few hours.
      - Tasty treats; everyone knows that Hudson News takes the calories out of all their snacks (wink, wink).
      - Responsibility only for me, myself and I. When I'm on the road, it's all about me. (This is in stark contrast to my usual days of course.)

My love of airports could go back to when my dad used to take us to go watch the planes take off and land. More likely it stems from my senior year of college back in Boston.

My childhood home was within easy driving distance from my residence on campus. However, most of my friends lived outside the "close enough for mom and dad to drop by" range.

We'd start out as a crowd of maybe a dozen creative types, just "hanging out" in Logan International Airport. In retrospect, probably too full of energy for the hour.

I want to say we started the day with coffee. Yet my memory of it is fuzzy enough that it was probably something alcoholic. A little "hair of the dog" given the prior evening's celebration of finals being over. Plus, we were all newly of age to drink so there was a sort of novelty to being able to sit and imbibe in public.

So then, I want to say we enjoyed some big, spicy Bloody Mary drinks. Except we were all pretty broke and were unlikely to sustain ourselves on such an expensive choice. Not to mention that back then you could buy three packs of cigarettes for the price of one Bloody (and it was still legal to smoke indoors, despite how disgusting that sounds now.)

Maybe next trip I'll stop into the Samuel Adams bar for a cheap draft beer and see if it conjures up any memories.

Anyhoo... one by one, flights departed for New York, New Jersey, Michigan and Florida. Even St. Thomas and Germany. The crowd got smaller and smaller until I was the only one left. I took the "T" back to campus and waited for my dad to come pick me up.   The car ride from school to home signified the temporary but welcome journey from (perceived) independence back to dependence again.

Since I knew I'd be seeing everyone again soon, it was au revoir but not goodbye. The memory was not about a bunch of hungover, obnoxious undergrads, drinkin' beer and smokin' "butts" but about friendship, laughter, support and the comfort of such ritual.

These days, I still like get to the airport plenty early. I like to be relaxed, not stressed. I enjoy being one of the shiny, happy people. The sort that asks the TSA agent how they are doing, has a smile on their face as they walk down the aisle of the plane and doesn't get impatient with the person who takes far too long to put their bag in the overhead.

If you saw the movie, "Up in the Air," you can picture a more positive, quirky female version of George Clooney. (Though I don't have near the frequent flyer perks thanks to my preference for family-friendly scheduling over airline loyalty.)

Last week I had a day trip to Raleigh, NC. In a surprisingly long security line for 5:45am, I accidentally bumped the lady in front of me.

She was tall and thin (but not fit), probably in her late 40s but still 20 in her mind. Her hair was clearly confused about being teased "big" in one decade only to be over-straightened as flat as a board in another. I found myself wondering if she borrowed her outfit from her daughter, or if she had recently raided the Juniors section of Ross for Less, or if her clothes were just well-maintained items from the Tello's days when she actually was 20.

My sister got me to stop me wearing my acid-washed jeans by enlightening me that, "Just because you can still fit into them doesn't mean you should."

(So, I ain't sayin'.... I'm just sayin'.)

As if with double annoyance that I had bumped her and was thinking such rude, judgmental thoughts, she whipped around and glared at me. Yikes. If looks could kill.   Now she was not only in great need of a makeunder but clearly angry as well.

"Watch it!" she hissed.

"I'm so very sorry," I replied back in as friendly tone as I could muster. "Haven't had my coffee yet."

Somehow I guessed that this woman knew the language of caffeine.

The alternative response in my head was "Who pissed in your Cheerios this morning?" but I opted for adding my very best "olive juice" smile instead. A peace offering.

This encounter made me think of a film I talked about in a previous post. After that movie, Miss M made everyone in the family take an online quiz to determine which kind of "Bender" we each were. I secretly wanted to be an Air Bender so the results were very gratifying for me. (Might be a Gemini thing.).

Anyhoo, one of the questions was actually about what your reaction would be if someone accidentally bumped into you.   No question that my Tellos friend in the security line was a Fire Bender.

What kind of bender (or traveler) are you?

Meditation Monday: Creating Good "Car"ma

2010-08-09T06:00:00.018-04:00

Welcome to another edition of Meditation Monday!

Regardless of whether you are religious or spiritual (or both or neither), science has proven that meditation actually changes brain waves; decreasing beta-wave activity for example. This quieter, more focused state can have many benefits from basic relaxation to curing illness.

When I think about the overall goal of "taking care of myself," mental peace and emotional balance are critical components. Meditation is a great way to achieve both of those things.

Some of you may be thinking that meditation can only be done when you have time to light up the incense, get out your Buddha statue, open up and say, “OHM."

However, it really can be incorporated into our daily routine. Yes, even when life is so hectic we find ourselves saying really annoying things like, “I’m so busy sometimes, I completely forget to eat.” Or my personal favorite, “My day was so crazy, I barely had time to pee!”

Ultimately, we really should believe that taking care of ourselves is not only absolutely vital, but that we do have the time to do it. That no matter what is going on in our lives, we have all the time in the world to meditate, to exercise, eat better, laugh more and yes, even urinate whenever the need arises.

But let’s say you’re not there yet. Put on your Depends Undergarment and keep reading.

What’s something you do everyday? Maybe even something that you don’t love doing?

For me, it’s driving.

Someone once told me about “walking meditation.” So, I figured I'd try “driving meditation.” Given my 100 mile round-trip (in rush hour) work commute I figured I'd better find my happy place in the car. If not for audiobooks and driving meditation, I surely would have taken a hostage by now.

Okay, so....

Driving Meditation 101:

Seatbelt on, radio and/or mobile Facebook off, eyes open of course.  Special note to include simultaneous attention to the actual act of driving, not hitting things, etc.

If anything, this should help.

Because my mind is usually racing with thoughts of the day, I find it helpful to start with basic square breathing which I've described before.

Breathe in for four slow counts (1...2….3….4). Hold the breath for four slow counts (1...2….3….4). Breathe out for four slow counts (1...2….3….4). Hold for four slow counts(1...2….3….4). Do this a few times until the mental gears stop grinding.

If I can’t stop myself from breathing or counting too quickly, I count to eight. Hyperventilating while driving is especially not recommended.

In a calm state, I start looking around, quietly noticing what’s happening around me, focusing on this moment only. I run through an inventory of everything I see and hear. I focus on making my driving experience an opportunity to be present, aware and thankful.

(Keeping breathing.)

Focusing way off into the distance and gradually moving closer, I really see and appreciate the view. The wispy clouds, the amazing Boston skyline, the trees, the cars, even leftover auto parts on the side of the road.

I consciously observe everything I can about each thing and note something I am thankful for related to that thing.

"Thank you for this peaceful, accident-free drive."

“Thank you for the opportunity to work in such a great city."

"The trees are so beautiful, thank you."
"I love that I have a job to go to when so many people do not; thank you, thank you, thank you.”
Then I listen. When I was a kid, I remember listening to classical music and trying to pick out each instrument one at a time, isolating it and hearing one pure sound apart from the others. I do this sort of thing often during mindful meditation.

When practicing driving mediation, I separate each sound from the others, one by one… the wind, each of my own car noises, an airplane above, a truck going by, a distant horn or siren. I hear and appreciate each sound. I take it all in, mentally “tipping my hat” at each auditory awareness.

Again, “Thank you, thank you, thank you.”

Alone in the car with nothing else on the “to do list” but get somewhere, is a perfect opportunity to quiet the cacophony of regular thought, be truly aware of the “now” and feel the gratitude for my life.

You can do this for three minutes or three hours. Even just a couple of minutes of calming your mind and focusing on the present moment in a mindful way can do wonders. It's comforting to know that I know that I can do this exercise at any point in time, doing (almost) any activity. See and hear what's around me, in the present moment, consciously being aware and appreciative.

Here’s another tip. It’s not meditation per se, but talking about driving made me think of it:
SMILE when you drive.

Making it a point to be a consciously content driver is a great exercise in remaining peaceful no matter what is happening in the external world. One of the things I notice a lot when I'm driving with awareness is that other drivers usually look pretty freakin' miserable. So when I get in the car, I make it a real habit to give the zygomaticus muscles a workout.

My dad taught me the "happy driver" lesson. He was a fun guy to drive with, despite being a little like Mr. Magoo.   My sister would say it was more terrifying than fun, but this is my story. He sort of did the mindful driver thing too. Always making note of all the details, reading every sign aloud even when we weren't looking for anything, remarking on how something was especially "cute" or unusual.

Whenever someone would flip him off or curse at him or otherwise display annoyance, my dad would simply smile back at them. A nice big, friendly smile. Sometimes he would blow kisses. I learned early on that if you mouth the words, “Olive Juice,” it looks like “I love you” to the person in the next car.

You'll have to let me know if you'ever done anything similar to what I've described above re: driving meditation... or what you think when you do try it.

Until then, “Olive Juice.”

Charlene

The TAH DAH! List

2010-08-01T10:02:00.006-04:00

When I first started this blog eighteen months ago, the initial idea was to answer the question I get often which is, "How do you do it all?" Since then, there certainly have been plenty of posts about how I don't do it all that well all the time.

Still, I like to think I have a few tricks up my sleeve. Okay, so some of them aren't exactly rocket science. It's more about the consistency of action. Good habits. Organization. Et cetera.

One of my very favorite tools is the TO DO list. Simple, I know. When life gets crazy and stressful, that's when we need simplicity the most.

There have definitely been times when I felt like I was going to throw up thinking about everything that had to get done in the day or the week or before a certain deadline. Somehow keeping an organized list of all these tasks provides a special perspective, which is much needed at these times.

Personally it helps me to see on paper that it's really not so bad after all. Okay, so sometimes it really is that bad. Still, it's helpful not to have all that "stuff" swirling around in my head.

I've tried a lot of different organizers and pre-fab lists over the years and have finally settled on a simple 7x10 spiral bound blank notebook. Maybe it's just me but the more formal systems stressed me out. Plus, I like the idea of throwing the old list away each time I make a clean new one. (That might be my OCD actually.)

Here are some other logistical details for what works for me:

keep different pages or columns for WORK to-do's vs. PERSONAL to-do's
organize tasks by similarities, i.e. for work, I group tasks per client or project; for home I group cleaning tasks vs. finance tasks vs. tasks per kid, etc...
be sure to include "me time" items on there, i.e. workout, blogging
file any emails related to the items on my list in a special TO DO personal folder in Outlook
check off items as they are accomplished (and move the emails into their respective personal folders by project/client or sender)
add items to the list as they come up; usually from scribbled notes on later pages
rewrite / reorganize the list as the last thing I do before bed (or first thing when I get to work, or when I realise it's been a few days and my list is a mess.)

I would love to know if you use "to do" lists and what works best for you!

My mother-in-law recently told me that the first thing on her to do list is always, "Make to do list." This provides her with the immediate gratification of checking off one item right away. Check. One thing down. Yay!

It might be helpful to know that my mother-in-law is like Tinkerbell. She needs applause in order to live. I totally get it.

There's such a great feeling of accomplishment which comes from checking things off the list. In fact, I think I'll start calling it a "TAH DAH!" list now instead of a "to do" list.   Love it.

There is also the famous "honey do" list. You know... that list of stuff you want your special someone to accomplish. Today please. This year maybe? Somehow they just can't be trusted to get it done without a helpful nudge from their schmoopie.

Personally, I make lists for Big D as rarely as possible. Trust me, there are days I would really love to unleash my inner control freak. It's just not the best recipe for marital bliss.   Not to mention that Big D. suffers from a common ailment which afflicts many men:
Shiny Object Syndrome (SOS).

     Man yells upstairs to wife, "Honey, I'm going down to clean my workbench!"

     Ten seconds later, man is left unsupervised in basement... "Oh look - shiny object!"

     And so, five years later the workbench is still a mess.

Call me lazy; I'd rather live with a messy workbench in my basement than nag 24/7.    Nagging is not on my "to do" list. And, certainly not worthy of being on a TAH DAH! list.

I almost had an epiphany about only putting things on my list which, when completed, are worthy of a TAH DAH!   But then reality set in and I realised that sometimes there are things that need to get done sans applause.

Sorry Tinkerbell.

What's on your TAH DAH! list today??

Takin' Care of the Pearly Whites

2010-07-23T20:01:00.019-04:00

On all of the blogging communities I belong to, a common topic is about how to keep coming up with fresh things to write about.

My problem isn't thinking of ideas. I think of ideas constantly. The difficulty for me is remembering them. To counter this (and with my recent commitment to write more often), I try to keep a small notebook handy at all times. Get an idea; take a note. When that fails, I record voice notes into my phone and send them to myself. No dissertation; just a few words to jog the old noggin.

So the last one was "Peggy Sue. Teeth."

Let's discuss.

Alone in my hotel room in Denver a few nights ago, my TV choices were Peggy Sue Got Married or a repeat of Deadliest Catch.

It was a tough choice but I went with the 1986 Kathleen Turner movie. (As a side note, Kathleen Turner was the keynote speaker at my college graduation. She walked by me on her way up to the stage and pointing to my Golden Key Honour Society sash inquired, "What's that gold thing mean?" I mumbled something as she walked away. I'm sure it sounded like, "It means I can't form a sentence in the presence of celebrity. Blubbub. Fub. Dub. Wait - come back!")

Awful movie but the one scene in Peggy Sue Got Married which always stands out to me is when Peggy Sue asks, "Grandpa, if you had a chance to go back and do it all differently, what would you have changed?"

Barney replies, "Well, I woulda taken better care of my teeth."

So of course that made me think of my step-mom / aunt, whom we'll call Moo Moo. That's what my kids call her and you know how I love using nicknames here. (No, she's not fat.)

Growing up, Moo Moo was obsessed with clean teeth. Or so it seemed in my youthful mind.

Oh yeah... in case you've been wondering about the whole "step-mom / aunt" thing, it's as simple as this:
My dad was remarried to my mom's sister. Yes, the younger model. No, that's not why my mom and dad got divorced. Everyone got along just fine. Mom remarried years ago too. Yeah, maybe something which would be on Jerry Springer. "Uncle Dad" - yep, wicked funny.

You can imagine how many times I've said all these things in the past 40 years since it all went down.

But I digress. We were talking about oral hygiene.

Up until about about the age of eight, I got away with the toothpaste on the shirt trick. My parents never asked "Did you brush your teeth?" They just saw the mess in the sink and the white pasty spot on my shirt and assumed it was so. They also assumed I was a total freakin' slob which wasn't ideal, but I had to pick my battles.

When I finally went to the dentist and had like, five cavities, they caught on.   I was screwed.

You know how the mothers in old fashioned TV shows would always ask their kids if they were wearing clean underwear before they left the house?

Every other weekend and during all school vacations (re: custody agreement), Moo Moo made my and my siblings' dental hygiene her personal mission. Nobody left the house without a full inspection.

"Let's see those pearly whites," she would sing in her best June Cleaver voice.

If I somehow escaped without going through the Colgate lineup, she'd hunt me down. You can only imagine how embarrassing it was to get a phone call at a friend's house and have to drearily explain, "I gotta go home and brush my teeth."

Don't worry, eventually I figured out on my own that not brushing the ol' grill was just plain gross. Probably around the time I decided that boys weren't gross.

And then just the other day, I actually caught myself chiding my kids, "Let me see those pearly whites."

I admit that actually have to hold Spidey's face in a headlock some days to get the tops of his gums to gleam.
It must be genetic.

In terms of a handy tip I can offer on the topic, it's BrushPicks. I think I mentioned in an earlier post that when my dad died, we found these things everywhere. Every room, every drawer, every pocket.

Now I know why. BrushPicks totally rock. (And no, this is not a paid advertisement. I seriously can't live without these things now.)

Flossing is so 1986.

If you do nothing else for yourself today, take great care of your teeth.

Best,
Charlene

Taking Out the Trash

2010-07-17T07:00:00.012-04:00

Last year, I wrote about having dinner at my mom's house with my brother and sister. Out of my four siblings, these are the only two with whom I share the same mother and father.

We three get along really well somehow despite being so different. Not only from each other but maybe more so from the rest of the "normal" world.   Something I think we have all learned to embrace over time.

Personally, I've gotten a lot of criticism throughout my life for being "too put together." In Junior High School a girl caught me outside Science class and yelled, "OH, YOU THINK YOU ARE MISS PERFECT, DON'T YOU?!" Then she punched me in the head.

I consoled myself with the thought that it must have been my new hairdo which sent her over the edge. My "I'm Farrah Fawcett-Majors and I'm Worth It!" coiffure was simply too much.

Even within my own (step) family, I've endured the same judgement. Ironic really.

If you know me personally or had read some of my more candid early posts (many of which I've since taken down as my my blog became more "public"), you know that my childhood and life through my first marriage was anything but perfect.

All that said, back to that dinner I was talking about...

Myself, my brother and my sister each had our respective partners with us; married (me), engaged (my brother) and "it's complicated" (my sister). As I reflect on the conversations we all shared that night, I find myself creating possibilities of what each of our guests might have been thinking.

"Wow, and I thought my family was screwed up."

        "I can probably make it to the border if I start running now."

                 "This is why people drink."

Poor souls. Obviously, they really love us. Or something.

Naturally we spent some time reviewing childhood memories. One topic which always seems to come up during these mini-therapy sessions is TRASH.

At our childhood home with mom in Suburbia, USA, we had this cute little shed in the backyard. When we had a full bag of trash in the house, one of us would carry it out and throw it in the shed.

Eventually the shed would be completely filled with trash. Wall to wall; floor to ceiling. Our rotting trash became a critical link in the food chain for several types of living things.

You'd think that when one of us went to throw another Hefty on the pile and saw the other bags moving, it would trigger a red flag to say, "Take the trash to the curb."

For a variety of reasons, that just didn't happen.

By the time we thought there might be a problem, it already seemed too big to handle. We were too tired to deal with it right then or had something else which needed our attention more. It's already a mess so what's one more bag? Let someone else deal with it; I got enough going on.

This would continue until there was simply no possibility of ignoring it. The shed was more than full. New species of insects were crawling around and flying out of the cracks. The neighbors were complaining.

I have many vivid and horrible memories of emptying and cleaning that shed. It was a chore made even more difficult because of the tears which blurred my vision and made me shake so badly I almost couldn't hold the bags.

The silver lining came when the shed was finally clean. I remember once making little curtains and turning it into a playhouse/secret reading spot. I felt proud of the accomplishment and enjoyed the space more because of what went into creating it.

However, the same patterns of action and inaction persisted. We never created a process or a plan for keeping the shed empty. The cycle always started again. It was such a chronic issue over so many years; no wonder my siblings also had nightmares about the shed, the trash and the bugs.

Although the story is pretty embarrassing, I've had many people tell me about problems in their lives which clearly relate to my "Tale of the Trashy Shed."

The mile-high, maggot infested trash might be debt. It might be excess weight, depression, failing marriage or out of control kids. Issues in our community. It could be a lot of things.

Somewhere along the line, we had warning signs. Somehow we at least helped to create our circumstance through action or inaction. We lacked process. We were lazy in some regard. We felt overwhelmed and helpless. We thought by ignoring the situation, it might just go away on its own.

   "I'm already so far in debt, what's one more charge on the credit card?"

        "I'll start my diet on Monday. Might as well enjoy these Oreos now."

               "I don't have time to deal with this right now."

Whatever that mountain of trash happens to be; it doesn't get there overnight and the longer you don't deal with it, the bigger it gets. Until it's just so big, you don't know what to do.

Until it's so out of control that you are forced to deal with it.

Like so many folks, Big D. and I have been going through a pretty trashy financial situation over the past couple of years. Exactly one of those situations I just described with a lot of help from a stinking real estate market.

Again, overshare. Yet I feel like maybe one of the reasons you keep coming back here is because I tell it like it is. Even when it's not pretty. Maybe you can relate? Dunno.

The great news is that this past week, we finally saw the first glimpses of a clean shed floor. Hope. Light at the end of the tunnel. New habits, hard work and following my own strategy (internal/external/support) is all finally paying off.    Okay, so a little dumb luck doesn't hurt either.

Where are you at?    Do you feel like you're in an episode of Hoarders, living in the light or somewhere in between?

Thanks for visiting,
Charlene

Meditation Monday - Let the Energy Flow!

2010-07-12T22:00:00.010-04:00

GROUNDING YOURSELF & RUNNING ENERGY

This meditation is one of my all-time faves. It is from Creative Visualization by Shakti Gawain. Reading Shakti Gawain's books is what really got me into meditation back in the mid-80's.   (A time also famous for my audition photos which inspired that whole Flashdance incident.)

I LOVE Shakti because she has such a calming voice, figuratively and literally. Her meditations are also very user-friendly. Some of the other meditation books and recordings out there are more like a game of mental Twister. ("Bend your body into the shape of a pretzel and then put your left shakra on the color green.")

Seriously? Who wants to get stressed out trying to relax?

FYI: I recently downloaded Shakti's audiobook of meditations from iTunes and I highly recommend!

Anyhoo...The purpose of today's meditation is to get your energy flowing, clear your mind and generally feel more balanced and open.

Shakti says it is also helpful to "keep you firmly connected to the physical plane so you don't space out during meditation or any other activity."   That means ADD people - this one's for you!!

Sit comfortably with your back straight, either in a chair or cross-legged on the floor. (More overshare but I also do this one standing in the shower and imagine being under a waterfall on a tropical island.)

Close your eyes; breathe slowly and deeply, counting down from ten to one until you feel deeply relaxed.

Imagine that there is a long cord attached to the base of your spine, extending down through the floor way down into the earth. If you wish, you can imagine that this is like the root of a tree, growing deep into the ground.

This is called a "grounding cord." Now imagine that the energy of the earth is flowing through this cord (and up through the soles of your feet if you are sitting in a chair... or standing in the shower) and flowing up through all parts of your body, and out through the top of your head. Picture this until you really feel the flow well established.

Now imagine that the energy of the universe is flowing in through the top of your head, through your body, and down through your grounding cord and your feet into the earth.

Feel both these flows going on in different directions, and mixing harmoniously in your body. Sometimes I visualize each one with a color and the colors mixing as they interact; cleansing and energizing my whole body.

This meditation keeps you balanced between the cosmic energy of vision, fantasy, and imagination and the stable, earth energy of the physical plane. This balance will increase your sense of well-being and your power of manifestation.

All good!

Namaste,
Charlene

Movies, Tears & Wine.

2010-07-10T15:30:00.013-04:00

My father died on April 24. People keep telling me, "It gets easier." For the record, I still don't think it does.

Sure, life gets back to normal. It has to.   After about a month I figured out that while it wouldn't do to keep bursting into tears every time I felt that sad twinge, I couldn't fight it either. I learned to tip my hat.

And yet, even as I try to follow my own advice, there's no big hand to take this particular pain away. This level of loss isn't a singular thought which can be swept or flushed.

It's like air. Always there. Part of me and in everything around me. In some odd way, I feel like I need it; this emotion which ebbs and flows, but keeps me connected to him all the while.

Last night I went to the movies with Big D (hubby), Miss M. (age 10) & Spidey (age 5).   We saw Avatar - The Last Airbender. Great movie. Highly recommend, despite what my friends posted on my Facebook wall about "scathingly bad" reviews.

Total side note, but I feel the need to confess that I smuggled a Grande Chai Skinny Latte from Starbucks into the theatre, despite the sign which proclaimed "NO OUTSIDE FOOD OR DRINKS ALLOWED!!" Yes, two exclamation points and I did it anyway. I'm a rebel. I know.

When I got home, I got such a tidal wave of sadness. (No, not because of the whole chai latte smuggling thing.)  This may sound trite, but I was thinking about how much my dad truly loved movies. Even when he was married and his wife / my step-mom / aunt (long story) never wanted to go, dad went to the movies by himself.    He saw every movie as soon as it came out. Well, almost all.  He avoided those which contained what he called "gross humor."   Sorry Something About Mary.

Anyway, there was just something last night about seeing a movie which I know my daddy would have really enjoyed... and knowing he would never get to see it. It just made me so sad. For him and for me.

After the kids went to bed, Big D poured me a glass of Cabernet and we sat outside in the warm air by the lake.  I let the tears pour too. Really sad, but somehow okay.

Not sure why I am sharing all this. (Then again, I do have "overshare" in my title subheading.) I actually meant to start with an intro about my dad and segue into the hot air balloon story which I promised a couple of weeks ago. Guess you'll have to wait a wee bit longer on that one.

I guess if there's a "moral to the story" it's that we can only control so much. We feel what we feel.  Despite my prior post, sometimes it's good to just let it happen.

A friend to talk to and a glass of wine doesn't hurt either.

Best,
Charlene

Sweep It. Flush It. Let It Go.

2010-07-07T08:11:00.002-04:00

I thought about saving this for the next installment of "Meditation Monday" but decided to go ahead and lay it on you today. I did promise to post more often and this came to mind. So, why not? This is my idea of living on the edge.

Sad, I know.

At any rate, this tip is technically a visualization, not a meditation. That doesn't necessarily mean anything since y'all know how I like to bend the rules with these things. I'm just sayin'.

So...

Are you a ruminator? An over-thinker? Have you ever had a hard time falling asleep or focusing on the task at hand because you can't get something else out of your mind?

Yeah, me too.

I once shared with my BFF that when this happens, it helps me to picture a hand picking up the person or situation (as if a scene in a shoebox) which might be inconveniently occupying my mind. Then I watch the hand carry it far away.

For example... when my boss at a previous job ~~pissed me off~~ undermined me on a regular basis, I would lay in bed at night and picture a giant hand with pinched fingers holding him by the back of his pants and carrying him through empty space outside my mind while he kicked and screamed. And I laughed.

Instant stress relief. Ahhhhh.

There's also the quantum theory: "What you resist persists." This says that the more you focus on something, the more of that thing you attract to into your life. Therefore, the worst part about obsessing over stressful thoughts isn't lack of sleep. Those mind treadmills are actually making the negative energy stronger and more prolific. Crazy, I know. But true.

Since then I've been given two more similar visualizations which I use all the time. One is to visualize sweeping the persistent thought out the door. Open the door, sweep it away, close the door and watch it get blown away by the outside wind.

If you're convinced you need to address the situation later but just need a mental break to focus on something else or get some sleep, you can always sweep it into a special room (or padded cell or whatever; it's your head) and lock the door. You can always let it out later.

Life can be stressful. Sometimes we have to be creative in order to get those brain synapses to stop firing in repetitive, non-productive ways.

The other visualization which may sound gross but also works really well is to picture flushing especially negative thoughts down the toilet.

Buh-bye crappy thoughts! *pun intended*

LET GO AND GROW!

Carpe diem,
Charlene

The Return of Meditation Monday

2010-07-05T09:25:00.015-04:00

I know really haven't been a very good blogger lately. I've stayed away too long. I've let you down.

Will you ever forgive me?

You will? Whew! Thanks!! (And if you can find the three Followers I lost in the last week, tell them to come back too. Or maybe you can find me three new ones. Free beer.)

One request I had recently was to revive my "Meditation Mondays" posts.    Ask and ye shall receive. I'm a givah.

Personally I think of meditation as exercise. Mental exercise. Spiritual exercise.  It's just internal vs. external.   And usually no sweating which is a real bonus for me personally.

You can certainly spend a full focused hour chanting and breathing with great karmic drama.  Alternatively, you can meditate in small subtle bits throughout the day; no one around you will even know you are doing it.

Kegels for the mind.

In the scheme of the Great Juggling Act (family, friends, work, home, community, school, etc), I find that these micro-meditations are super helpful for keeping the balance.  Depending on the person, "balance" might mean not taking a hostage and/or not running down the street in your birthday suit screaming like a banshee on fire. Hey - we all have our moments.

The important distinction I never get tired of reiterating is that true "life balance" is internal. It's not possible to keep those balls in the air in perfect harmony at all times. Sh*t happens. Therefore, the real challenge is keeping our mental/physical/spiritual foundation strong enough to handle whatever crap comes our way.

Meditation is a good start.

I've shared this first one before but it's really easy and perfect for those "Calgon take me away!" episodes.

It's called SQUARE BREATHING.   You'll find me "square breathing" in the car, at airports and at work a lot.  (I also have my kids do this before big tests or competitions and they really love it.)    Pretty much anytime you are feeling generally overwhelmed, anxious or whatever.

It will feel more effective if you read at half-speed.   Nice and slowly now...

                      Breathe in for four slow counts (1...2….3….4).

                      Hold the breath for four slow counts (1...2….3….4).

                      Breathe out for four slow counts (1...2….3….4).

                      Hold for four slow counts (1...2….3….4).

Do this a few times until you start to feel more relaxed. Once you get used to it, and assuming you're not driving, close your eyes. Rinse. Repeat.

If you can’t stop yourself from breathing fast or counting too quickly, count to eight. Hyperventilating is not recommended.   No blue people.

It also helps me to repeat a personal mantra once I'm starting to feel more calm and centered. Here are some of my favorites depending on the situation. You probably have some of your own, but the idea is pick something simple and helpful for that moment and keep repeating it until you really feel and believe the meaning.

                      "This is not life or death."

                      "I am filled gratitude; I have so much to be thankful for...(and list)"

                      "I am welcoming health, happiness and prosperity into my life now."

                      "My life is filled with love and light."

                      "All the answers I need are coming to me easily and effortlessly."

                      "This too shall pass."

I'm also a big fan of the mantra, "Only four more hours until I can have a glass of wine."   It's not very zen, but whatever works.  This is a no judgement zone.

My plan is to do more "Meditation Mondays" and post more often in general. Thanks again for your great patience, support and positivity!

Best,
Charlene

Wordless... um.... Friday

2010-06-18T08:04:00.008-04:00

Okay, so I totally meant to post some pictures for Wordless Wednesday. Yes, it's Friday. And yes, it would be impossible for me to be "wordless." (Have we met??)

My first attempt at a "meme" gone horribly wrong. Oh well. I had good intentions.

As a side note: I'd love to know what your favorite memes are, from both reader and blogger perspectives.

Meanwhile, I do want to share some pictures I had taken of my lovely view here. There have been many times when I've felt a little "out of balance" that I've looked out the window, taken a deep breath and gotten an instant shot of serenity. There is something about my lake which is so inspiring (to me anyway; let me know what you think!)

At some point this weekend I'll post a special story about the hot air balloons. Enjoy!

PS: Feel free to use these as you wish. If you would be so kind as to reference and/or linky link back here, that would be great. Thanks! ~ Charlene

11 Years of Wedded Bliss

2010-06-12T09:35:00.000-04:00

Today is my 11th Wedding Anniversary to Big D!

Here is one of the very few pictures from that day:

Here is the story about how he popped the question (which was a total surprise) and how we got married a few days later (bigger surprise):

Clickety click: 'Til Death Do Us Part

Enjoy!

When in Rome... or Livorno.

2010-05-31T18:27:00.021-04:00

The night before my father's funeral, we had a meaningful gathering of family and friends.  Knowing Daddy didn't much care for the traditional wake or memorial service we opted for a "celebration of life." Still sad, but also really wonderful. It was especially nice to hear the stories of my dad from people who knew him as a little boy and a young man; times before I was even a twinkle in his eye.

That night I shared a modified version of a post I wrote last year about ten things I learned from my dad, plus a few other special moments and personal thoughts.

One of my sister's childhood friends described a few of her feelings and memories in a letter which was read aloud. It included a time she ran into my dad and me whilst traveling in Rome, Italy. Such a happy coincidence and welcome connection when she was missing home so much.

I remember it like it was 1994. (It was.) I heard someone calling, "Charlene! Charlene!" Of course I didn't turn. Nobody would be calling for me in the middle of Rome.   I was recently divorced at the time and didn't even have many friends in the U.S., let alone Italy.

The voice got closer, "Charlene! Charlene!" Against the odds, there was my sister's dear friend whom we hadn't seen in years.   Small world indeed!

That story made me think of another one from that same trip.   My dad and I were on holiday in Italy, just the two of us. We mainly stayed in Florence but ventured to other places via train, as we had done to Rome the day we ran into our dear family friend.

These excursions were always fun for a couple of reasons we didn't expect. One was that the "information" clerks at the train station seemed hell bent on only confirming or denying info already had from other sources, not providing it when it was actually needed.

I'm sure the language barrier exacerbated this perception.  My dad actually spoke "very good" Italian. However, he was also slightly hard of hearing. (This was before the good hearing aids.)

Thanks to four years of Latin and a knack for languages, I can understand enough Italian words to be dangerous, but can't hold a conversation thanks to my poor accent and total lack of grammatical understanding.

Therefore, my dad would ask a question in Italian and receive a reply in Italian. Knowing he didn't hear it completely, I would say (more loudly) to my dad what I thought the clerk had said, and then my dad would reply back in Italian or ask another question. And so it went.

Luckily my dad was never one to get his feathers ruffled. He almost seemed to enjoy the game of "which track has our train" when we couldn't get a straight answer out of anyone. Or perhaps more fairly, they couldn't get us to understand.

On one occasion, my dad and I had spent the day in Pisa and boarded our train back to Florence. After a few minutes, someone came around to collect our tickets.

Quite casually, he looked at our tickets and said something to the effect of, "Your tickets are for Florence, but you are going to Livorno."

My father asked him (in Italian) to repeat what he had said. He did and then walked away to the next passengers without another word. No further translation was needed. I started to panic. We should have been going back to Florence. Our hotel was there. That was the plan. Florence = right direction. Livorno = wrong direction. I had no idea how far it was but we were clearly stuck on a train going the wrong way.

My dad simply took off his jacket, gave an easy shrug and said unconcerned,

"Well, I guess we're going to Livorno. Ya know what? I've never been to Livorno before."

He had this really cute way of raising his eyebrows and making his eyes wide which I can't avoid imitating as I recall him saying the words. Probably my favorite of his many facial expressions, even at the very end when verbal communication took too much energy.

Anyway, we had barely settled in for the "adventure" when the train came to a full stop at a nearby station.

"LIVORNO!" the conductor announced.

"Well, that didn't take very long," my dad remarked in his easy way as he gathered his things. "Let's go little kid."

Remembering to Tip My Hat

2010-05-23T12:07:00.032-04:00

When I think about how "balanced" my life is, it's really not about the great juggling act (home, kids, work, etc.) Stuff just has to get done. Some days are better than others, but I do my best to let go of the idea that I could ever be perfect at all things in my external world and also be 100% happy and healthy.

If you get nothing else from my blog, my greatest wish is to share the perspective that true life balance is internal. That you must take care of yourself or else the balls in the great juggling act are sure to fall. And it won't be pretty.

All that said, I'm in "practicing what you preach can be a real biotch" mode yet again. I guess it's understandable on some level, but my dad's death has definitely rocked my core. My inner balance is in a state of vertigo. I confess.

Even on a good day, I fight the tendency to spend too much time in my own head. Lately, it's harder than usual; my head spinning with so many thoughts and memories. Constant flashes and gut reactions brought on by any number of little things throughout the day. Now I know why they call them "triggers." One photo or momento or word can make me feel like I was just shot in the gut by a Glock 31.

Even as I am writing this, a letter comes from the funeral home with print-outs of all the condolence messages written for my family on their website and a letter to Hospice about the donations being made to them in lieu of flowers. *sniff*

I might see a toothpick five minutes from now and have the same reaction. (When we cleaned out my dad's closet, we found a toothpick in every pocket in his wardrobe. The man had great teeth. All his own, even at the age of eighty)

It can become very easy for me to go from one quick gut reaction to being completely lost in the pain. Utterly, completely swept away in sadness. My emotions kicking and screaming in an internal tempest of obsessive thought.

Even if you've never experienced this Pandora's box, you can imagine that it's completely exhausting after a while.

As an alternative... and so I can actually function, I'm working hard to to keep in mind something I learned from Eckhart Tolle.

The feelings are going to happen. I have to be kind to myself and accept that this is a normal part of grieving for a man that I loved so much. Everyone assures me that the sadness will evolve into something else more comforting.

I'm just not there yet.

However, I can actually choose not to get swept out to a sea of despair by an obsessive undertow (or as my dad used to call it when we were kids, the "undertoad").

Instead, I can acknowledge each thought/feeling, accept them as real and normal and then... move on. Rinse. Repeat as needed.

Easier said than done but this is where Eckhart Tolle's great wisdom comes in.   Tolle advises “tipping your hat” to the emotion, as you would someone passing on the street.  Say, “Hello feeling. I see you. Goodbye.”   Look at it in the eye and then continue walking by without a backward glance.

Being a very visual person, another image which helps me is that I'm walking down the street and come upon a huge dark hole.    I can choose to dive in or just "tip my hat" and walk around it.

Trust me when I tell you've I've spent a LOT of time in that stinkin' hole over the past couple of months.

I'm kinda ready to start walking around it (with said "tip of hat" of course vs. attempting to ignore.)  I'll imagine that the hole gets smaller and smaller, slowly repaired by the helping hands of time.

In my heart, I know the street will never look the same. But I need to keep walking....

Thanks,
Charlene

PHOTO CREDIT: Blog article about the painter, Bob Ross (though there is no specific credit given to this painting)