Saturday, July 10, 2010

Movies, Tears & Wine.

My father died on April 24.  People keep telling me, "It gets easier."  For the record, I still don't think it does. 

Sure, life gets back to normal.  It has to.   After about a month I figured out that while it wouldn't do to keep bursting into tears every time I felt that sad twinge, I couldn't fight it either.  I learned to tip my hat.

And yet, even as I try to follow my own advice, there's no big hand to take this particular pain away.  This level of loss isn't a singular thought which can be swept or flushed. 

It's like air.  Always there.  Part of me and in everything around me.  In some odd way, I feel like I need it; this emotion which ebbs and flows, but keeps me connected to him all the while. 

Last night I went to the movies with Big D (hubby), Miss M. (age 10) & Spidey (age 5).   We saw Avatar - The Last Airbender.  Great movie.  Highly recommend, despite what my friends posted on my Facebook wall about "scathingly bad" reviews.

Total side note, but I feel the need to confess that I smuggled a Grande Chai Skinny Latte from Starbucks into the theatre, despite the sign which proclaimed "NO OUTSIDE FOOD OR DRINKS ALLOWED!!" Yes, two exclamation points and I did it anyway.  I'm a rebel.  I know.

When I got home, I got such a tidal wave of sadness.  (No, not because of the whole chai latte smuggling thing.)  This may sound trite, but I was thinking about how much my dad truly loved movies.  Even when he was married and his wife / my step-mom / aunt (long story) never wanted to go, dad went to the movies by himself.    He saw every movie as soon as it came out.  Well, almost all.  He avoided those which contained what he called "gross humor."   Sorry Something About Mary.

Anyway, there was just something last night about seeing a movie which I know my daddy would have really enjoyed... and knowing he would never get to see it.  It just made me so sad.  For him and for me.

After the kids went to bed, Big D poured me a glass of Cabernet and we sat outside in the warm air by the lake.  I let the tears pour too.  Really sad, but somehow okay.

Not sure why I am sharing all this. (Then again, I do have "overshare" in my title subheading.)   I actually meant to start with an intro about my dad and segue into the hot air balloon story which I promised a couple of weeks ago.  Guess you'll have to wait a wee bit longer on that one.

I guess if there's a "moral to the story" it's that we can only control so much.  We feel what we feel.  Despite my prior post, sometimes it's good to just let it happen.   

A friend to talk to and a glass of wine doesn't hurt either.

Best,
Charlene
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15 comments:

webb said...

Overshare all you want. The problem with "time healing" is that it takes different amounts of time for different people and different things. All those good memories - like how much your dad loved movies - are the big gift he left you, so that you can feel close to him (even while feeling very far apart). And, you can enjoy them for him, too. Let yourself grieve. It takes time, but no one knows how much.

The Guy's Perspective said...

The grieving process is different for everyone. Some people like to keep it all inside, others like to share. You do what you need to do to help yourself.

Movies certainly can help take you away, although it seems no matter what you do, you're reminded of your dad.

Hang in there.

Cheryl D. said...

It takes a long time to get over the death of a parent. Allow yourself the time to mourn. It's fine to be sad--allow yourself to be sad. It will get better over time. You will never stop missing the parent, but the extreme sadness does go away. Give it time!

Jennifer said...

I will be completely honest with you. My Dad has been gone for eight years and it STILL is not easier. Never. You just get used to the pain.

Ruthann said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story in such a real and honest way. (Oh, and I am also guilty of smuggling starbucks into theatres)

Charlene said...

Thanks everyone...

Sara Funk said...

Losing a parent is hard, losing your dad pulls the rug out from under you. Not only do you have to mourn his passing, you also have to take the time to mourn the passing of your childhood, and the passing of the one man who truly had your back. It's about him, and it's about you. You will always miss him on father's day, but the missing and the crying jags will lessen. I promise. :)

Charlene said...

So true Sara - it really is about so many things all at once. Thanks for the kind and insightful words!

Sarah said...

I hope writing about it makes part of the healing process. It will be easier at last, but probably not for a long time. Crying, talking and yes, a glass of wine help, too.

Serenityville said...

Thanks for sharing...from the fun of the Starbucks rebellion to the pieces of grief. I hope writing helps you through.

nmaha said...

I believe that heartfelt crying does help. Losing a parent is never easy, how ever old you are or how ever many years pass by. The rawness of the wound may reduce but it never disappears.

I love smuggling stuff into theaters,though I'm sure most people would consider it a bad example for the little one.

Feeling Fit With Dana said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I feel your pain in your words, but I am sure that getting it out will help some. Overshare all you want.

inadvertent farmer said...

The whole 'get over it' is not in reality what happens with grief. I too lost my dad and have lost children also. You learn to live with these small cracks in your heart...I am not longer shattered but small pieces of my heart will always be missing. Yet I still live on...

Bruce Coltin said...

From what you've been saying, I don't think you are going to get over it. I think you are going to bring him along with you for a while -- maybe a very long while. Nothing wrong with that. In fact, maybe that makes you one of the lucky ones.

Laura said...

I'm sorry for your loss. My dad died November 1996 & it may get easier, but I still miss him. And sometimes I forget he's gone. I'm a single mom so if I'm trying to fix something (that the man would usually fix) & I can't figure it out, I'll reach for the phone thinking I'll ask my dad. It's at those times that I'm reminded again that he's gone & I sometimes I cry. You just have to let those tears out.

Talking about the Avatar movie, my dad loved Toy Story & if my dad was animated, he would look just like Woody, so I have a hard time watching that movie.

Stopping by from #31DBBB

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