Particularly for those who have recently started following my book page on Facebook, I thought it would be good to re-post my original epiphany:
So... I discovered an interesting dynamic when I was doing the Quantum Wellness Cleanse* in 2009.
It's like the cellulite on the back of my thighs; it's always been there but I have to be in just the right position to get a good look at it. And wow... so not pretty.
What I'm talking about is the reaction we often get from others when we're trying to change ourselves for the better.
Maybe you've recently started working out or eating differently or trying different parenting techniques or becoming more organized.
Hopefully, you do have some people in your life which are genuinely happy for you. However, sometimes even the most supportive feedback is laced with an undertone of, "Yeah...so... um... good luck with that."
Some people may even be downright rude. Oh, I've heard it all.
It's mind-boggling how our personal habits can strike such a nerve with people. I'm still amazed at the crazy negative reactions I get when I talk about my eating habits, my P90X experience,
When I first started noticing these reactions, I have to admit that I felt very defensive. Offended even.
But then I figured it out.
I realised that they're not judging me. Well, they are -- but mainly because they think I am judging them. Meanwhile, they are actually judging themselves.
Stick with me here.
When I say, "I am doing this thing because I want to feel healthier.... etc... etc..." what they hear is, "YOU should be healthier. YOU should exercise more. YOU should be vegetarian. YOU are a big mess!"
In my mind, my choices have nothing to do with them. In their mind, it does. By talking about what I am doing to invest in my own wellness, I am somehow forcing their own exploration into how they view and treat themselves.
It's sad but true -- most people would rather be in denial.
One of the reasons I find this all so fascinating is because it highlights yet another reason why change is so flippin' hard. Sometimes the only person who wants you to change is YOU.
Life lesson of the day: Do what you know is good for you and don't let the reactions of others sway your resolve.
How other people react is more a reflection of their insecurities vs. your efforts to improve yourself.
What I've also learned is that most of the time we have to ASK for what we need in terms of support. I know some of you are saying, "I shouldn't need to ask." Get over it. You do.
Anytime you need extra encouragement and support, come see me here at The Balance Beam. This is officially a "no judgment zone." *big welcoming smile*
Take care of yourself!
*The Quantum Wellness Cleanse is program by Kathy Freston that involves increased awareness of eating and health. It also eliminates alcohol, caffeine, sugar, gluten and animal products for 21-days. I recommend it! Check out my archives for my day-by-day experience. (No compensation received - it's just great!)
67 comments:
What a great title!! Your life must be pretty big!! :-)
Love the new look here. :) It's very chipper...and totally you. Might just come back to steal a button. It's really cute and I like the message behind it.
I don't know, every time I try to do something to change my life for the better I've always heard good things from my mom and husband. Iuno, maybe not everyone is like that though.
excellent point... this also happens in religious circles. People are especially offended if you come upon some new conviction that you decide to live by. The assumption is that your new conviction somehow makes their lack of conviction wrong. I like your style! great article.. you keep giving me reasons to come back!
great post--very true.
just stopped by from sits to say hi; hope you'll do the same.
Charlene, you know me all too well, ain't nobody or nuthin gonna have bo effect on my bad habits.
I just wash it all down with beer any way. lol
BIG BIG HUGS
Thanks for the great comments/feedback! (And LOL@Bob!)
i try to be supportive when someone decided to be a vegetarian, but only because i think we consume too much animal protein and it's not a good thing to our health. some of my friends must be tired of hearing me saying that!
Funny title! What kinds of foods
do you eat? I don't know if I
could handle being a vegetarian
but it's cool you can. Btw I have
a award waiting for you on my blog!
Please stop by and accept it. Thanks!
Thanks Tanya - I'll go check it out! There's quite a lot of food in the world besides meat actually. In terms of broad categories, I eat quinoa, rice, potatos, beans, pasta (regular variaties and rice noodle), breads/cereals/grains, fruits, veggies, soups, veggie burgers, veggie chili... all kinds of stuff! YUM!
GREAT post. I get a lot of flack and down right verbal response to eating organic, very little meat and because of my protein requirements due to WLS. People are nuts. I have one girl who is 4 who hates meat. I don't make her eat it. I feel like it's much healthier.
Is this like when your husband tells you how much weight you've gained and then wants to go to Dairy Queen for Malts?
The cellulite on the butt stays hidden, the stuff on the upper arms is starting to concern me, where did it come from and WHY?
Very, very true.
Great post as always!
Thanks Hunter!
TC - Rob would NEVER say anything to me about my weight since ya know... he likes life. But he does have a nasty habit of baking tollhouse choco-chip cookies at night!!
I'm not a vegeterian but I some friends of mine are and I have definitly seen that look. On the other hand, where I work there are about 100 people and every once in awhile we have a BBQ or pizza party or something and it's always nice to see that the place goes out of it's way to make sure the 1 vegeterian employee has something to eat also. Little things like that make me proud of where I work.
It's people like you Charlene, who God sent to Earth, just so the darker, more morose, more celluloid-ridden ones among us have a reason to wallow even deeper in the negative karma which is our evil selves...
See what happens when you take a 3 year old to an Irish wake?!!!
Keep up the positive karma good work and don't worry, nothing could make my rear-end look any bigger, except for, say, the Hubble Telescope!
Cordially (If Not Entirely Sober!)
MsBurb
High Chief Mucky Muck of
Burb's Buck & Buntline Inn (B3) http://burbsbuckandbuntlineinn.blogspot.com/
2nd Official Tate-LaBianca Murders Blog (TLB2) http://2ndofficialtate-labiancamurdersblog.blogspot.com/
Popped in to say hi! This is so true!
I love this post !!!
It is soooo very true! :)
I have worked really hard to make changes in my eating habits and working out! and I feel great about it. But when someone asks me how it's going I ALWAYS feel obligated to belittle it somewhat so I don't offend and inadvertently make THEM feel bad about themselves!
Well said girl!
I totally agree!
Tami G
Love everyone's comments, as always. Thanks!
Tami - it is funny how we instinctively downplay our efforts and successes. And yet, since "increased confidence brings increased capacity" we really need to be doing the opposite. That's why groups like Weight Watchers and online support groups work so well; they provide that non-judgmental support which is SO vital. Thanks for reading! :-)
So true. Change bringing about personal growth can make some people really uncomfortable. I remember when I stopped drinking for a year having people act very strange and say things like "go on have one just to be sociable." ??? SAD really!
BTW I found you on Friends following friends on MBC. I would love to see you follow/comment at my blog Organize Your Life Now
Thanks,
Claire
Organize Your Life Organizers
Charlene,
I need a favor.
Bob has decided to let me do the award presentation this week, and I have decided, to let the past winners, select their favorite blogger for this award, please if you have the time, let me know your selection, if you so choose.
Thank you
BIG HUGS
Bess
Hey there! I'm following you now. Great blog!
So true and I'm guilty.
I LOVED this post! Following thru MBC & am so happy I found you. Your blog is great.
Thanks!
Stopping by from SITS. Great post and very inspiring!
-Mimi @ Irresistible Icing
Wow, this is such a great message. Just reading it made me feel better about so much. THANK YOU!!
Stopping by from SITS! Happy SITS day!
I think you are right, happy SITS day.
I have found this to be true myself. I know when I see others actually doing what they said to improve their lives, I find I look at myself & judge me by what they are doing to improve them & sometimes that carries over negatively to the other person. Does that make sense? It's early here. :)
Popped over from SITS. Happy Monday!
This is amazingly timely for me, and well written! Thanks so much for sharing.
Thank you so much for this post...it made my day. I've been trying to be more healthy and I'm getting similar reactions. Thanks for helping me put it in perspective:). Here from SITS...think I'll stay awhile!
Stopping by from SITS and you're bang on the money with this. Isn't it strange that you're desire to change your behaviour in their respective heads becomes a statement you're making about them? We're so focused on the individual (mainly ONE individual) that we don't realize that, in fact, no one is judging because everyone is focused on his/herself!
That is sooo true. Very insightful! You should think of a career in psychology!
Oh my goodness! This is perfect timing! I am going through some of this right now. I've made a conscious effort to lose weight and I get alot of "yeah, good luck with that"...and it is from people who should be losing weight with me!
I do appreciate you breaking it down because if I say I'm walking more, or not eating fried foods...now I see how the other person interprets as an indirect judgement on them!
I get it! And happy SITS day!
Wow. I love this! So inspiring and motivational! Happy SITS day!
Calling by from Italy on your SITS day, Congratulations.
Hi Charlene. I love this post because my husband tells me this all the time and I guess ur like that second opinion I've been looking for.
I'm in the middle of 2 HUGE projects right now, writing a children's picture book and creating a worldwide diversity group for kids. I can't find support from family and friends. They think I should open a dycare but I think my skills should be used to help kids all over the world. They call me a dreamer but I'm doing way more for the world than they ever will. I'm going to continue what I'm doing with or without them. Forward is the best direction.
PS. I'm subscribing to ur very inspiring blog :)
Please visit me at
http://themerrymakingco.com/about
and help me make my vision a reality.
I have noticed with blogging and Tweeting that it's the strangers that you meet that seem to be the most encouraging. Where my good friends seem to doubt me.
Sometimes it only takes a moment for someone to point something out that then appears so obvious. Happy SITS day!
You may have sold me on P90X. Just everyone I know has tried it and I think that it is time for me. Great work!
Stopping in from SITS!
Jenny
Happy SITS Day. I'm on day 4 of a 10 day detox fast and yeah, I'm getting grief about it.
Molly Burke CPCC MSU
Queen of Confidence
www.lifepurposeworks.com
"Even before I begin, I am made of win!"
Hi, Charlene! Happy SITS day again. I love this post and it's SO true about so many things. It reminds me how really self-centered we all can be (it's all about ME!). When someone is sharing with us about their life, we compare to our life and start running through the "I should's" in our head and stop listening to the other person!! I'm guilty, though. I see another mom with a special needs child and she runs three times a week. Me, not so much running as chasing my child through the park. So I start listing the I shoulds: I should run, heck I should exercise, but that means I'd have to get a babysitter, except I can't find a babysitter for my special needs kid b/c he's so anxious, and he can't help being anxious, look at all his challenges, but why don't I have enough time, well I'd have more time if I wasn't writing, but I like writing ...
And I'm off.
Thanks for reminding me to STOP!
What you write is so very true for many of us. I think I may have even been on the other end of it, and saying those same things..."yeah, good luck with that," when I was exactly thinking to myself that I should be doing that for me as well. I should be exercising more. I have the time. I should be eating better. I have the time. Jealousy of another person's will and drive can be a bad thing. I have since changed my ways and do, in fact only offer full support to those making changes, including myself. Thanks so much for touching on a touchy subject. I enjoyed reading it!
Stopping in from SITS...I saw this post featured and I had to read more. Lately, I've been surrounded by a lot of people who have this attitude. They almost make YOU feel bad for doing something good for yourself. I have to stop myself and think, "Wait, I'm doing something good here...why am I letting them make me feel bad?"
Thanks for posting, glad to know it's not just in my head :)
LOL - Great title but (no pun intended there) your article is so very true. Happy SITS day!
Great post! I'm getting the eye rolls and sarcastic comments right now because I'm trying to change how I'm living and how we live as a family.
Congrats on being the SITS feature!
I love this post! I stopped by to say Happy SITS Day and I'm glad I did. What you're saying makes so much sense.
Hi! I'm here because of SITS, and what a great pick for the day. :) My Mom & I have discussed this very issue..you think you're doing the most incredible thing in the world, and the very ones you expect to support you either think you're insane, or wasting your time. Also, it was great to see the other post on P90X..I've been seeing the ads for it, and I'm just fascinated!
Happy SITS day! Great post, I know just what you mean! When I tell a certain co-worker that I lost X amount of lbs. last week, she always has some back-handed compliment as a reply.
Today is my first visit to your blog (via SITS) and I really, really like what I see here. We've made a number of huge changes in our lives and it's interesting to see just how many people in our lives have been personally offended over the choices we've made the last 5 years (even though they have absolutely nothing to do with them). We've come to the similar conclusion that it's a defensive mechanism to the very possibility of being judged for not making the same choices. I wish there was a way to ease their burden, but we all make choices in how we respond to others. I'm hopeful that I will at least learn from this and notice when I'm doing the same thing to others.
I just started a weight loss program through a dr's office...and I am sooooo tired of all of the negativity-even from family! The "well, you're just gonna gain it back when you stop the program" is more annoying than I can say. However, you are right! It is really about them! So, I won't let them get me down anymore! Good post!
I just started a weight loss program through a dr's office. I am so tired of hearing the same negative remarks from people. However, you are right, it is really about them, not me. Great thoughts!
True Story! Great post! Happy SITS day!
Visiting from SITs! Thanks for the inspiration!
Love, love, love the title, and the content is just as excellent! You hit the nail on the head ~ people's reactions to our choices are most often a reflection of how they're feeling about themselves.
Thank you for participating in the SITS B2B discussion at Blog Frog!
Best,
Jenn
So true, Charlene. This is why I try to confine my cellulite-investigating endeavors to the blogosphere, unless of course someone is genuinely interested in hearing about it in person. Thanks for stopping by today. So nice to hear from you, as always!
LOVE IT!!!!!!! :D
This is so true!
& it doesn't only apply in the wellness field. generally when you share something with someone, they may think you're telling them so they could be more like you. In reality, some just like to share their success because they're happily overwhelmed, or just pass it up as something anyone would say. Just because I'm telling you I'm planning on going back to school, doesn't mean I'm telling you , you should go too and pick up where you left.
Love the title and love the post. It is so true!!
That title made me laugh - love your spirit and attitude!
Hi Charlene,
No surprise that this post has drawn so many comments. I completely agree with you about what goes on in people's heads when faced with someone changing a habit or being successful with something. We instantly go to "I should be doing that too, but I'm not." Then, we feel bad and find it hard to congratulate the other person. We all do this to ourselves. Right now, I'm experiencing feeling "left behind". It's horrible! After reading this post, I'm going to be extra nice to myself today instead of making myself wrong for NOT doing whatever it is I'm not doing.
good post
http://BigBlueHamster.com/
This post is right on. As I prepare to return to Weight Watchers for the umpteenth time, I have learned not to make too big a deal about it with friends and family. Planning meals or choosing to skip a food is my business and they've watched me fail over and over...they've lost their zeal for cheering me on!LOL I LOVE organizing, I want to eat healthier and be thinner...these are things I do for me. When I do succeed, it may inspire someone else. Till then, I keep quiet. :)
Thanks for stopping my my blog hop. I so appreciate it and hope you will come back again and again. New follower and subscriber, here.
Sinea from Ducks 'n a Row
Hi! I found you over at Ducks n a Row!
Wow, incredible blog layout! How long have you been blogging for?
you made blogging look easy. The overall look of your website is great,
let alone the content!
Here is my website ... insurance companies
I nominated you for The Very Inspiring Blogger Award, thanks for sharing your story. Check the link here to read the nomination post http://jeanettesandersen.blogspot.com/2013/02/very-inspiring-blogger-award.html
what a wonderful post and I just might have to take you up on that invite for inspiration.
Stopping by to follow along and to share big huge aloha with ya. We're riding the wave of life at Local Sugar Hawaii. It's silly and fun and down right awesome... and, I'd love for you to join us.
xoxo,
Nicole
If you'd like to enter, our amazing 30 hosts, 12 months of advertising, 1 winner giveaway ends in like 2 days.
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