Friday, July 31, 2009

Day 12 of QW Cleanse: Fantasies

When I was in high school, I had a HUGE crush on a boy we'll call Randy. He was a transfer student from Canada so maybe that was part of the charm.

My dreams came true when Randy finally told me he "like liked" me too and we started a long-term romance. This was at a time when long-term was two months at best and romance meant we lingered at each others' lockers before class. You would have thought one of us was going off to war instead of math class. And yes, we even kissed on the lips. I paired my first name with his last name over and over. My brown paper textbook covers were filled with such eloquent sentiments as "I *heart* Randy!" and "CD + RS = 4EVA."

Abruptly, Randy dumped me for a prettier, smarter, cooler girl. Given where my self-esteem was at the time, that could have been any other girl in the school.

Not too long after the split, I had a party at my house. Can you believe Randy and his new gal showed up? The nerve! Unfortunately for Randy, my low self-esteem also came with a gift: The ability to cut someone down to nothing with one biting, sarcastic remark.

As a side note, the "gift" is an old character trait I reflect on with regret, worried I may have hurt some dear friends, either trying to be witty or protect my many insecurities. (John - that shirt really did clash with itself in 7th grade, but I'm still sorry.)

Anyway, I managed to completely offend Randy and his "date" in no time and they decided to take off. Of course, they had to call Randy's mom for a ride. In my crazy house we only had a pay phone. So he had to go around asking for change first. I was triumphant.

Actually I was heart-broken. As a consolation prize, I painted a fantastic picture in my mind of what Randy was, what we could have been. He was the one that got away. Something which was meant to be. In my mind, he became the best-looking, smartest, funniest guy with a Canadian accent who ever "like liked" me.

The truth is I didn't get over him. UNTIL....we actually met up again years later. As we ate dinner in the Suburbia USA Chinese restaurant, I was stunned by the vast delta between "reality Randy" and "fantasy Randy." None of the superlatives I remembered and obviously, very much not meant to be.

Not his fault of course. Poor guy. I had built up the fantasy into something which he couldn't possible have lived up to. Thinking back on it now I also realise that by the time of our reunion I was not the person I had been in high school. I grew up. I became more secure in myself and was looking at him through a completely different lens.

What does this have to do with my Quantum Wellness Cleanse?

Coffee. (Huh?)

I've been fantasizing about coffee. Although I thought it would be easy to give up, the experience of it has persisted in my daydreams. The aroma, the taste, the warm, soothing feeling as it comforts my throat and helps me face the day. I gave it up, but I just couldn't get over it.

UNTIL... I actually tried drinking it again.

Kathy Freston sent me the great suggestion to use vanilla almond milk as a milk substitute since that's been the obstacle between me and my ideal morning beverage. I tried the almond milk alone first and it's really good!

And yet, there was something about the coffee itself that just didn't do it for me. It has nothing to do with the caffeine factor since I often drank decaf pre-cleanse.

After a healthy break, the fantasy of coffee was just better than the reality. Poor coffee. The smell which I thought I loved so much, and which got even better in my mind, suddenly doesn't appeal to me. I find I no longer enjoy the experience of drinking it. It actually makes me nauseous. Even "reality Randy" didn't make me want to throw up.

Though it's been less than two weeks, I feel like my perception of food and flavors has changed. Although I'm shrinking physically (down 5 lbs!), I'm also growing.

Maybe not "quantum" just yet. But I can see the potential and again, it motivates me to continue.
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Anonymous said...

wow that is growth. Going outside our comfort zone can be scarry but once there; I often find something unque that changes my lenses,rather the experience is negative or positive. I can not wait til your next blog. I find I'm growing with you somehow. lisa M.

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