Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Does this blog make my butt look fat? (Part Two)

A BUN IN THE OVEN -- make that a KFC biscuit!

With my noticeably distended belly, I went to see my doctor convinced that something was drastically wrong. It may be surprising that I’d mentally made the leap to something like cancer and yet pregnancy wasn’t even on my radar screen. Again, you just have to know my family. My mother having lupus was just the tip of the iceberg. Suffice it to say that when I complete a family health history, I usually have to ask for more paper.

As it happened, I was indeed pregnant despite having been on the pill for more than a decade. Surprise! The bigger and more disappointing surprise came when we found out several weeks later that the baby stopped growing, that there was no heartbeat and I’d need a D&C. (Yes, I know - this was nature's way of making sure I didn't have a kid with three legs or something... trust me, I heard it all.)

For several weeks afterwards I looked pregnant and knew I had been pregnant but I was not pregnant anymore. Add in a few adjusting hormones and you have a one-way ticket to Suckville.

The one positive thing that came out of the loss was that it made my (then) boyfriend and me closer than ever. We knew then that we would stay together to a ripe old age and that we definitely wanted children. The funny thing is that I was so adamant throughout my former marriage that I never wanted children. Turns out I just didn’t want to have them with him (my first husband).

After several months of “taking charge of my fertility” (re: great Toni Weschler book) I finally got pregnant again. Despite initial intentions not to get married, we did end up having a ceremony on a beach in St. Maarten after a surprise four-day engagement. That story can be a whole other blog entry.

Once again, I gained weight at a rapid rate. People constantly told me that I was “glowing.” I think it may have been the grease from the BK fries and KFC biscuits. I gained 70 lbs in nine months. Apparently my copy of “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” came with a feedbag. My husband calls this my “Jabba the Hut” phase.

Even months after delivering my healthy baby girl, I hadn’t lost any of my “pregnancy weight.” People would say, “Don’t be so hard on yourself -- you just had a baby.” Okay, she was SEVEN pounds. Unless there are nine more kids hiding in my ass, I’ve got my work cut out for me.

I started experimenting with every diet known to man and beast. Hollywood, Atkins, Cabbage, Grapefruit, Three-Day, Great American. You name it, I tried it. My weight followed a roller coaster ride along with my emotions over the next four years.
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Three more miscarriages plus stress at work and home added to the “fun” – if you actually like roller coasters and think screaming, crying and throwing up is fun, that is. Obviously I was coping with much more than surface weight loss issues.

I was eventually diagnosed with Asherman's Syndrome. But something kinda clicked after my last miscarriage. I’ll spare you the details, but we had actually seen a heartbeat and gotten past the “scary” first trimester before the loss.
This particular loss was so devastating I don’t even know how to put it into words. Yet at the same time I had this profound new appreciation for life. I suddenly realized what an incredible flippin’ miracle it is that we were actually created…and that we get to live and breathe each day on this earth. My grateful bond with my daughter changed in a way which is hard to describe. My relationship with myself changed.
.Despite everything else that had happened in my life to this point, it took this experience to make a “forever change” on how I would approach my life from the inside out. To those that knew me before and after, you may not even know that this paradigm shift occurred.

My approach to getting healthy completely changed. I found a whole new path to success…

More to come...
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